Pressing On

new blog.

2009-08-17T09:07:00.001-07:00

located here.

2008-06-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

it's been long and hard. the first night in tulsa caitlin and i went outside for a debriefing and unwinding walk. and we were immediately struck by the way the night air here feels like having a breakdown. i think it's because i've sat in so many oklahoma summer nights and broken to pieces.

it came earlier this year, though. last year it wasn't until july that i completely broke apart, that i found corners of the church to collapse in during small breaks. this year i had two afternoons in the second week where i felt like i simply couldn't go on.

and you know, it's been just what i needed. i prayed yesterday, God help us to come to the end of ourselves and not to fall apart, but instead to trust You there. that's what i need--to see that it's only God in me that can make anything happen.

so yes, i'm bone-tired. yes, my voice is leaving me more often than not. yes, there are times i sit in my classroom and think there's no way i can face the clean-up that needs to be done before the next event which starts in forty-five minutes. but my Redeemer is faithful and true. it says in isaiah that those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength. He proves that to be true every morning when my alarm goes off. He proves it to be true every time another getAHEAD starts. He proves it to be true every time i want to sleep but need to study tomorrow's Bible lesson for another hour.

He's holding me up. i can't do this at all. but He is so strong on my behalf. it says in hebrews 11 of the people of faith that they were made strong out of weakness. i'm growing in faith and He increases His strength in me.

a wednesday in the life of an intern

2008-06-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

Most days are busy. But usually we can count on Wednesdays to pretty much top any other day of the week. (Except during Project 61, but that's an entirely other story!)

8:00 am -- Sarah and I leave the house where we're staying (I am highly medicated as I've been sidelined with a sinus infection the past 2 days).

8:15 am -- Pick-up intern checks from the Shackleford's house

8:35 am -- Pick-up the other Sarah and Rachel from where they're staying

9:05 am -- Arrive 5 minutes late. Misjudged the time again!

9:10 am -- Greet Julie and show her every nook and cranny of the church since it's her first day. I like to give the new intern tours because I show them every corner. I didn't feel really at home here until I had explored every closet, so I make sure everyone has that opportunity right off the bat. And, this way, when I say "the very back closet with the tables," they know what I mean.

9:20 am -- Meeting with Nate and the other interns who weren't there yesterday to get caught up on everything we missed. Simultaneously attempt to help Caitlin with Excel but fail miserably as I don't understand Macs.

9:35 am -- Inspect my classroom, "Class Champion." Joe decorated it for me yesterday. The best part is a Rudolph bear head hanging above the white board with a medal around its neck.

9:37 am -- Help Rachel clean the kitchen.

9:50 am -- Talk to Julie and Rachel about lesson plans for the day and what exactly a day at getAHEAD (our tutoring program) looks like. Try to share teaching tips, but can't really remember any.

10:10 am -- Major getAHEAD meeting with all the interns. Miriam stayed up til 3 typing up 7 pages of notes in a really small font so everyone would know what to do. We now undergo a crash course in the care and keeping of getAHEAD.

11:50 am -- The really fun part of the training--restraining a child safely. Much screaming as we push each other around and much amusement as Chase (kinda short) attempts to restrain Tyler (quite tall).

12:15 pm -- Lunch. Sandwiches, quite naturally. I have American and ham on cheap wheat bread with just a touch of mustard, my normal sandwich unattainable because of our current lack of Doritos.

12:30 pm -- Various last minute jobs to prepare for getAHEAD.

1:05 pm -- Leave to pick-up kids. Only a very vague idea of where they might possibly live.

1:30 pm -- I'm in the neighborhood, of that I'm quite sure. But I'm entirely unsure of where the kids might be. Six phone calls and a few unsuccessful doors later, I have to head back to teach class.

2:10 pm -- getAHEAD should have been going for 10 minutes now, but there are no kids in my classroom. Contrary to intern popular belief, that only happened once last summer. Usually I have at least one. I am bewildered but trusting God as I've been praying all day for the kids that He would bring today. He knows what He's doing.

2:20 pm -- Rachel and I go to the nearby McClure park to hand out more flyers for getAHEAD. There's a lot of people there, and we get quite a bit of interest. We'll see if any of it pans out.

3:00 pm -- Back to the church for Skills Time. Rachel teaches how to be a good friend and a good student. I make friends with a girl named Larissa, rekindle my friendship with Sondra, and haven't stopped being Makaela's friend since the wedding. Rachel makes Joe and I act out good student vs. bad student. I am cast as the good student. I feel my skills in the audition tended more towards the bad student, but Rachel changes it at the last minute. Joe does have that impish grin better suited to mischief.

3:30 pm -- Individual Time with Qwe-Qwe and then Sondra as Rachel has to drive a suspended child home. We read a poetry book (Qwe-Qwe loves poetry) and work on spelling words using alphabet cards.

4:00 pm -- Floor Time. Nate talks about the attributes of God, starting out with immutability. Graham as Kermit makes a triumphant puppet debut. My legs go solidly asleep as I have two 8 to 9 year olds in my lap and another leaning her elbow on a part of my knee that managed to be exposed.

4:30 pm -- The kids leave for home. We clean up our classrooms, do our write ups about the kids we individually "mentored" (a classier word than "tutor" according to our beloved director, Miriam Boone (that was weird.)), and then Caitlin, Rachel and I have a tea party with the uneaten snacks in my classroom. Other interns join as Miriam reads Seymour and Opal out loud. We decide to make story time a Wednesday tradition. Various jobs and brainstorming.

5:30 pm -- Dinner time. Chili with all the toppings. I hadn't realized how hungry I was.

6:00 pm -- Jerusha, Ayana and I go back to where I was earlier so Jerusha can show me where the kids live. The house of the "beaded kids" looks empty, but we leave a flyer anyway and I make a mental note to try later and then to ask Makaela where they're living. The other kids are excited to see us and want to come with us right then and there. We explain that it already happened for today, but I'll be back for them the next day.

7:00 pm -- Mission Memorization during adult Future Grace study/prayer meeting. Miriam and Hannah and I teach the kids 1 Timothy 4:12, Chris leads some songs, Joe talks to the kids about setting examples even though they're young. Much hugging of Rinnah, Annie, Amy, and Alicia. (Rinnah gives some of the greatest hugs ever, even though she's 7.)

8:30 pm -- A little more final clean up while talking to people from the church. Many of the interns play basketball in the parking lot. I'm not dressed right, am still kind of sick, and frankly just don't want to join in tonight. I talk to Dan and Rachel instead

9:15 pm -- Six interns reconvene at Starbucks to do some reading. It's gonna be due soon! As predicted, not much really gets done as we get sidetracked by talking about the day and then about...well...it all came back to God. And it was good.

11:00 pm -- A wind comes up and blows some notes out of Caitlin's journal. "My RA notes! I'm never going to be a good RA now!" She takes off running as the notes land on the roof. We try to tell her where they landed, but she seems determined to get them anyway. Realizing this, the Sarahs and I take off after her, finding her on the other side of the building looking for a ladder. She is about halfway through shimmying up a drain pipe when someone asks, "But how will you get down?" Realizing the rationality of the question, she comes back down. We stand there for a moment, pondering what to do. Just then, another gust and some papers blow off the roof near us. We all laugh, knowing exactly what they are. I call that the worship laugh, when God just works out something so perfectly that you can't help but laugh. His care is perfect and minute.

12:00 pm -- Back "home." Mind too full to fall asleep. I listen to the Killers and blog instead.

(Note: all times wildly approximate. You think I actually looked at a clock that many times in one day? Seriously now, people.)

fishers of men

2008-05-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

Week One. Only two days of officially interning, but the adventures are already full force. Today I had the closest encounters with cockroaches that I've ever known as I helped the Blankenship family clean Miriam and Nate's North Tulsa apartment in preparation for their return. Rachel and I found frozen cockroaches lining the freezer door--I scraped them off into a rag that she held. When one fell on my arm and we both jumped a little, I said out loud, "It's okay, it's just dead. It's dead." By the end of the afternoon, I was nonchalantly letting the little guys (live ones, mind you) scurry all around me while Samuel and I held the bed together and Malachi tried to figure out how to assemble it. Missions training. I have now successfully conquered the fear of cockroaches. And if our preventative measures worked, Miriam won't have to.

We had "intern retreat" which really meant that we were all at the church learning "Intern Basics" and hearing both the pastors, Joe and Andrew, share their hearts for ministry. I took five full legal sized pages of notes on the things that we're planning to do this summer. My favorite part is a quote I wrote in the margin:

"Archer and Yale? That's not a good area." -- a new intern

"It's a good area for ministry." --Brother Joe*

As part of intern retreat we went out to Comanche, one of the main housing projects that we minister at. Lottie and I went directly to Chene's house, following her niece Ebony on her princess bike. Chene is a 15 year old girl who has really been responsive to our ministry, but also to other ministries involved in the projects. The main one is Victory, which preaches a health and wealth gospel. We're really burdened for Chene that she would see the true gospel and be captured by a view of God that says salvation is all about Him, not about what we can get from Him. Pray for her, and for our ministry to her.

Chene's sister, Ebony's mom, had a baby 5 months ago. Chene and Camille both take care of their nieces. I've never met Ebony's mom. But I finally got to meet her little sister and, of course, quickly fell in love with this precious baby. I sat on their front steps, feeding little Reniah her bottle and talking to Chene about her efforts to get a summer job at McDonald's or QuikTrip. I watched Lottie do bike races with Ebony and a neighbor boy while Rachel and Caitlin talked to Camille. I didn't want to leave when the van pulled up to get us. (I'm rather jealous of Miriam and Nate's apartment in the middle of it all.)

While hands-on ministry is a huge part of interning, it wouldn't be complete without the training that accompanies it. This summer we're studying the attributes of God, learning some hermeneutics, having three weekly prayer times, being involved with all the various Bible studies of the church, studying five books together, and reading other assigned books on our own. I get excited every summer for the books the pastors provide for us to study together. This year they are:

Holiness by JC Ryle
The Attributes of God by Arthur W. Pink
The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer
The Grace of Repentance by Sinclair Ferguson
Crazy Love by Francis Chan

So as not to waste any time, I started right in on Crazy Love. I was struck when he quoted the verse from Philippians which says, "For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ." It hit me that I too often don't realize the gravity of people's positions with God. If they have not been saved, they are enemies of the cross of Christ! And that is something that should bring tears. And action. Because we've been given these nets and told to catch men. He'll supernaturally provide the catch. But we have to be casting the net. (And that is a very incomplete summary of Brother Joe's intern challenge '08.)

I'm excited.

* We call the pastors Brother _____ . Everyone thinks it sounds weird at first. Everyone eventually succumbs.

back in tulsa...

2008-05-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

(Miriam and her flower girls in the bounce house)

It's been quite a while since this blog has seen any action.

Some changes in my life in this past year:

My hair is longer
I discovered an inexplicable talent for accounting
I got new, fashionably modern (and slightly emo) glasses
I got in my first car accident
I graduated from The Master's College
I was a bridesmaid in three weddings of dear friends

The third wedding was this last Saturday in Tulsa. Miriam and Nate's wedding was one of my favorite weddings I've ever been to, but it was also extremely tiring! Since the wedding, Caitlin and Rachel and I have been living together and have basically done nothing but sleep and read in an attempt to recover. We'll be back to the busyness this Thursday when our internship with Springs of Grace Bible Church starts.

One of the things that made the wedding so crazy was the sheer size of the wedding party. Eleven bridesmaids, eleven groomsmen, nine flower girls. The flower girls were Miriam's three youngest sisters, an adopted girl from the church who has Down's, and five girls that we know through Springs of Grace's outreach ministries. None of them had ever seen a wedding before. In fact, when I was picking Makaela up for the rehearsal, her aunt told me that she had never been to a real wedding. It really struck me again how marriage has been so devalued because of sin. Throughout the whole ceremony, Brother Joe repeatedly emphasized the high and holy calling of marriage and the way that it pictures forth Who God is. That was the most beautiful thing about the wedding.

I loved spending time with the flower girls and talking to them about what it meant. I loved Kyra telling me she knew Miriam and Nate were getting married because of the way they looked at each other last summer. I loved teaching them how to walk down the aisle and how to be ladies in their dresses. I loved holding their hands during the humid picture time in the park. But my favorite part was when I drove Kyra home and we talked about the gospel and about how Jesus wants us to live the whole drive.

Talks like that make me excited about this summer's ministry. I can't wait to get involved in the lives of these kids, to go to bed worn out and crying from working to love them like Jesus would, to teach them and give them rides on my back and play ridiculous games all in the hope that they will come to see, to know, and to love Christ.

life is a crazy mixture of hard and beautiful

2007-06-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

...hard to watch the coldness in erica and aaliyah's eyes as their family falls apart around them, throwing bricks through windows, threatening one another with knives, dad beating mom during aaliyah's birthday party and causing the other kids to run home...

...hard to see justin again, this kid i've been praying for all year, to see some growth, some softness to the gospel in his life, and then for him to move to las vegas...

...hard to have a cheerful attitude about picking up the church again...and yet finding the strength to put on a smile and a song and pray for the kids as i clean up another one of their messes...

...hard to love through an excruciating head ache and terrible sore throat...

...hard to walk from door to door in the heat and the humidity, not knowing what encounter is behind your next knock...

...hard to not be broken enough by my sin...

...hard to get in bed after a day where the hours were too long to even calculate and then realize i still have to prepare a bible lesson for the morning...

...beautiful to rest my chin on eddie's curly head during the missionary story and cry over God's great goodness to me...

...beautiful to help qwue-qwue find habakkuk in her bible during church so she could look up her memory verse and then hear her read the whole book to herself at a whisper...

...beautiful to spend a whole evening just miriam and i, making eggplant parmesan in an amazing kitchen, driving with the moon roof open praying and talking about things that matter and how we can be spent for the kingdom...

...beautiful to have a mud fight in the fry's back yard and then have both angel and hosanna grab my hands when it was done and we were rinsed off to show me their kittens...

...beautiful to find strength whenever i read my bible or hit my knees...to realize how very much i need to be there more...

...beautiful to see a glinpse of a kindred spirit in ranisha, to work past the bitterness and anger and see her longing for love...

...beautiful to fall in love with the grace that i keep seeing more and more in the lives of the other interns and the saints at this church...

...beautiful to ponder how we can show we're crazy-in-love with Jesus in the broken neighborhoods of north tulsa...

...beautiful to attend my eighth bible study of the week and come away pondering something fresh and amazing about my God...

...beautiful to be told over and over to see and savor the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus...

the soles of [my] shoes are all worn down

2007-04-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

the girl i babysit was sitting in my passenger seat and staring at herself in the mirror this afternoon. then she started turning her hands over and over in her lap. i asked her what she was thinking about. "my hands are really me," she said with a laugh.

i laughed back and asked her what she meant. she held her slightly crooked hands up next to her face. "my hands look like me. and my face doesn't." it sounded weird at first but i understood. our souls are similar like that...we just understand each other. (who knew that could happen with an emo jewish 13 year old and a 20 year old christian college student?) i knew how she felt...have you ever passed a mirror and wondered who that was inside? i don't look like i feel i should. (and i think you'd have to be made of some similar stuff to mariah and i to understand what that means.) we sat in my van outside of hebrew school and listened to death cab for cutie. and both of us pondered our hands.

some thoughts in a coffee shop

2007-03-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in java and jazz right now...it's become a second home for me as of late.

caitlin is working on her powerpoint and rachel and danielle on a massive persuasion project. i am avoiding outlines.

there's a couple sitting off to my right and they just can't stop looking into one another's eyes and touching each other's faces. they don't see anyone else. and i can't decide who's stranger...this couple so into one another or me who can't imagine being that wrapped up in one person. maybe someday.

the other night we randomly met a guy in here who had just moved to the area and we gave him the names of our churches. a couple of women have been sitting at a table near me and just talking for the past hour and a half. and as i've asked rachel, "what would it feel like to go to coffee shops without homework?" i can't picture such a state.

i think that's why i like java and jazz. i realize that there really is life beyond college. i see the little kids trail their parents into the store and run around on the newhall coffee company logo on the floor. i watch a small child cautiously tiptoe around the edge of the counter before her dad swoops her back to safety. i see the rushed housewives and the business men looking at their watches and the kids who sit outside and smoke and the juniorhighers out on "dates" and the screenwriters trying to make it big and the couples falling in love or trying to pick up the pieces of a relationship...and i see again that the world is so much bigger than me. and i am amazed at my God who is orchestrating it all.

the barristas here have become friendly faces. rachel now has a usual. someone put up a poem on the bulletin board in the bathroom and rachel and i talk about posting some of our own attempts at poetry. and it's funny how a coffee shop can begin to feel a little like home. it's the people i'm sure. one of my friends finally admitted that she was in love and that's how she described it...feeling at home with him, no matter how far away home really was. that sounds lovely to me.

i'm an expert people watcher. i wonder if you can put that on a resume? i love collecting bits and pieces of people's lives from what they do and say and then piecing together an entire life from that information and my overactive imagination. today i was waiting to pick up kids from bridgeport elementary school and i made up an entire life story for the man sitting on the wall next to me. and i saw dr. wong. that doesn't have anything to do with anything, but i think this is rather a stream-of-consciousness update.

i think maybe why i couldn't imagine being like that couple is that i people-watch even when i'm with those i love most. maybe i even do it more with them.

i haven't eaten all day. today was the day of fasting and prayer for newhall. but i'm not sure this fast has had its intended effect in me. i've been praying for newhall all day, but not in lieu of eating. i've just been praying for newhall whenever i would normally pray for other things...when i'm driving or walking or that little chunk of time between lunch and work. i spent my lunch hour in the caf, just not eating but selling spring party tickets instead. and i spent my dinner time at work. i think i might go get some food...is that wrong? i just feel really tired and i know it's lack of calories. i still have quite a night ahead of me...and a seven o'clock meeting tomorrow morning. i need to figure out how to really fast and not simply skip meals. i do that anyway, just out of sheer busyness.

today i looked at the sky. it's always a better day when i remember to do that. some days i forget and i walk along watching my feet and i forget all the vast grandeur above me. i remembered today and as i walked out of my new testament class i just tipped my head back, looked at the vast blue, and breathed deeply. and at those moments, God sends calm to my heart. it sounds mystical when i type it out, but i promise that it's not charismatic in any non-biblical way. it's just me remembering where i fit in this world and breathing out of sheer dependence on God. i call it worship breathing in my head. sometimes i just take my breath for granted, but i can't when i look at the sky.

i looked at the sky last night too. i was on a beach in la and the wind was blowing as hard as it could and my feet were soaking wet from foolishly standing too close to the waves. i was wrapped in a sleeping bag that smelled like my childhood and the moon was directly overhead. and i just leaned back and breathed.

2007-03-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

Skid Row is never the same two weeks in a row.

This last Friday night I met a man named Earl. He's a Vietnam war veteran, a drunk, and a drug addict--and wanting the truth. On Thursday, he and a friend were sitting on the corner of Towne and 5th just drinking and talking like any other day on Skid Row. But his friend got up and walked across the street. And a Toyota pick-up pulled up and a shot sounded. And Earl's friend went to face his eternal fate.

Earl didn't explain why his friend was shot. But he did explain the impact that event had on him. I read Job out loud to him and he started crying. I read John 1 and we talked about the Savior, how our only hope is that of Job, "I know my Redeemer lives, and in the end He will stand on the earth."

He begged us to tell him how he can be sure of his eternal fate...I can still hear his earnest "please, please tell me" ringing in my ears. And so my friends explained salvation, about how we have to make Jesus Christ both savior and lord. And there's the problem. Earl doesn't want to give up his sin. "It's so hard here," he said. And I believe him. It's so hard for me to fight sin living at the Master's College, surrounded by almost every conceivable help to living a holy life. How much harder it must be on the streets of Skid Row, where sin in its basest and most addicting forms is available at every corner.

We talked to him for almost two hours, reading the Word and preaching the truth. And still when we left he told us that he was going to finish his bottle before going to sleep. My heart broke. How could he so earnestly desire to know the truth and still cling so stubbornly to his besetting sins? We tried to show him the true beauty of God and how much more valuable He is than anything else, we prayed for him, we (I) cried as we brought his plight before God. And yet I still can't shake the thought that he's going to sleep tonight on the sidewalks of Skid Row not knowing where he might wake up.

So I'm asking you to pray for him. Pray that God will break the power sin has over him in order to bring Earl to Himself. Please.

even when i don't see...

2007-01-29T15:53:00.000-08:00

And again it's been forever since I've written.

And again God has amazed me beyond words. I was struck in chapel today by His grace, by the fact that grace is the only reason for....well, for anything really. His grace is everywhere. And by it I am held.

There was a night this past week that a string of events left me questioning God's hand. A night when I couldn't see why things happened the way they did, and I thought that God was answering my prayers in a way completely contrary to His character.

Oh me of little faith.

I kicked against the goads and tried my hardest to doubt His care. But like I said, I am held. I can't describe how difficult it was for my flesh to open my Bible that night, but I did, and I went to sleep with Psalm 73 ringing in my head.

When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.

The next afternoon I read Job...and I filled two pages in my journal with verses from that book about His sovereignty and my human weakness. And I rested in the truth that "He wounds, but He binds up; He shatters, but His hands heal."

But the comfort of the Word wasn't the end of His plans for my struggle. Later that afternoon, the girl I babysit and I had an incredibly hard but incredibly worth it conversation about the story of Job and about the existence of Satan and about the problem of sin and evil and about God's plans for humanity. And God turned my failures and broken heart into something beautiful and hopefully maybe even eternal.

And I am so glad that I am held.

all day...

2006-12-04T21:34:00.000-08:00

...I've had a rock in my right front pocket. When my fingers slip between the fabric and find it, I smile to myself. This rock is my lasting reminder of one of the best hours of my life...an hour spent on the beach with three of my best friends the night of my 20th birthday. Memories of praying and dancing and attempted trespassing and worshipping and taking scores of pictures and holding our breath through tunnels all spring to mind when I reach into my pocket and find this small five-sided rock. And it reminds me of the goodness of God, of the longing for Him I get when I'm at my happiest. And it reminds me that even the week before finals cannot dwarf His love for me or defeat His care for me. And for that I am very thankful.

you know you're in college when...

2006-11-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

I realized that last night was the first night in a very long while that I had gone asleep in one day and woken up in an entirely new one. And that was because I went to bed at the "early" hour of 11:45.

Tonight was Placerita's "Turkey, Tarts and Testimonies" celebration. My friend Jared entered a pumpkin cheesecake in the men's bake-off in hopes that he might win the grand prize of a turkey. If he didn't, we weren't going to have a turkey at our Thanksgiving celebration. He won a Cornish Game Hen. Hardly enough meat for 5 people. Happily someone took pity on these college students whose best shot at a turkey is a pie baking contest...and a donated turkey now sits in my RD's fridge waiting for us to brave the mysteries of turkey cooking and carving.

I've just gotten the strangest feeling lately as I walk around campus...it's been longer than a year since all of this was new to me, and now it feels like normal life. And it's extremely weird to walk into the lounge of a dormitory and get that "home" feeling, or to find it normal to push yet another tray around the caf in order to get my next meal, or to walk up the hill for the third time in one day after a 10:15 pm meeting and mentally prepare myself for the rest of the evening's schedule. My roommate just looks at me as girls run screaming down the hall at midnight and asks, "When did this become normal?" I have no idea.

My thoughts of late have really been much deeper than all of this, but I don't know how to type them into this little box. Can I just say that I'm not at all the same person I was when I began this blog? I was reading it the other day...and I was struck by how much different I am. You can't tell as much just from what I wrote, but I remember the things running through my head, the things driving who I was back then...and those things are dramatically different now. But yet not as different as they ought to be.

I really ought to get back to researching the presentation that I must give at 11:45 tomorrow...

2006-11-02T18:23:00.001-08:00

The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is---"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 13:15)

- Oswald Chambers

amen

2006-10-27T02:19:00.000-07:00

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream
i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything
of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife
in our suburb where we're safe and white
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent, i repent of parading my liberty
i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free
and for the way i believe that i am living right
by trading sins for others that are easier to hide
i am wrong and of these things i repent

i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep
of wearing righteousness like a disguise
to see through the planks in my own eyes

i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity
i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry
of caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need
by domesticating you until you look just like me
i am wrong and of these things i repent

--Derek Webb

...i shall again praise Him...

2006-10-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

Psalm 42

To the choirmaster. A Maskil of the Sons of Korah.

1As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

2My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

3My tears have been my food

day and night,

while they say to me continually,

"Where is your God?"

4These things I remember,

as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng

and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise,

a multitude keeping festival.

5Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation 6and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;

therefore I remember you

from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,

from Mount Mizar.

7Deep calls to deep

at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves

have gone over me.

8By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

9I say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
10As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"

11Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.

I need more hope. I need to remember the power of my God. Brother Andrew said that thinking people need the most hope. I have been thinking too much. It is time to learn to trust, time to rest in hope of my Savior. The world gets me downcast and I forget the days I would lead a procession of rejoicing into the house of my God. But when I remember Him and all that He has worked on my behalf, how can I ever dare to doubt? Where is my God? He is right here...He holds me in the palm of His hand. What can happen to me that's not for my good? What can happen to those I love that doesn't come directly from the loving hand of a sovereign God? Oh Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief!

life just keeps spinning...

2006-10-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

You might notice that today seems to be a huge influx of postings. That's because it is. Some of the posts that have been lingering around as drafts for awhile were finally published. I just really felt like writing today...

This afternoon miriam and I drove up a mountian and then scrambled up to the top where we picked wildflowers and breathed in the silence. All the cars and houses lay far below us and I marvelled at all the hub-bub going on below while we just stood up there and dreamed of heaven. I needed that. I needed the perspective a mountian brings...because I've been getting lost in all the details lately. I needed to be called back to the big picture of God's infinite glory.

I am glad for mountains and friends and musicians who make me dream bigger.

friday the 13th

2006-10-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a week of falling apart. I don't remember how to live a life that's so busy with things that just don't seem to matter as much. I miss small hands around my neck. I miss singing as I run up and down the hall getting things together for the next project. I miss driving to the projects with a van full of kids and then crying as we left them. I miss praying hard. I miss crying hard. I miss loving more than I thought was possible.

It's exactly the sort of night where I could laugh or cry at any moment. It's the perfect sort of night for dinner with Miriam and Danielle and Rachel. We all put on heels and jackets and listen to the perfect love song as we drive to the restaurant. We ask the waiter for free refills on everything and eat off each other's plates without asking. It's nice to know that's ok. We talk about life and love and random memories from before we knew each other and take pictures of our drinks and our feet.

We run into our rooms and change as fast as possible. Outside Slight, someone's playing music. I dance down the hill in my favorite tennis shoes. It's the kind of night when I feel everything a little more deeply and life hurts because it's so beautiful--it's funny how the more beautiful life gets the more desperately I want heaven.

We hug the squishy tree outside Del Taco and Rachel writes me a love note on a piece of the bark. On the way to Skid Row, I think about dying. It wouldn't be so bad, I decide. My heart is full of hurt for the people I'm about to talk to and the people I've left in Tulsa and Bellingham and Santa Clarita. There's so many big and little things going wrong just in my world. I close my eyes and see the mural at Comanche--"HOPE."

God is sovereign over the blue state of my heart and Rachel and I talk to a Christian named Chris who loves Keith Green and Tozer and knows his Bible so deeply and passionately that I regret wasting so much time in not hungrily studying it the way I ought to. I am encouraged...when I thought I was coming to Skid Row to encourage others.

We drive back to school through a thunderstorm. I love that. I love that about God--how He orchestrates the weather in such glorious ways. I love that He sent that thunderstorm when my soul needed a reminder of His power. I love that He made my Friday the 13th a very lucky day...if by luck you mean sovereignly ordained. I love that every day is my lucky day because the God of heaven holds me in His hand.

outreach week...

2006-10-12T16:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I went back to one of my heart's homes. It's amazing how much of God you can see in one short week...through all-but-orphaned children, through the treasure of the Word, through God-centered preaching, through serving with others, through other people, through sunsets over New Mexico, through sovereignty worked out in continuous small miracles...

Two experiences stand out among all that happened in that crazy short week. Both happened on Wednesday. I was picking up kids at Apache, and only Qwue-Qwue was in my van as we circled the apartment complex. She noticed the writing on my left wrist. "What does that say?" It's a one word reminder to myself--"Love."

"Who do you love, Qwue-Qwue?" I twist around so I can look into her eyes.

"I love God." Tears come to my eyes...you'd have to know her story to understand completely. Miriam says later that we don't know what a 7-year-old born on Skid Row whose parents deal drugs would look like as a Christian...but it might look a lot like Qwue-Qwue. She goes on to tell me, "Yesterday I was trying to read my little Bible but my mommy came and told me to put it away." How does a 7-year-old follow Christ when her own mother is upset when she reads her Bible? When her mom's boyfriend hits her?

On the way back to Apache, I had three kids in my car--siblings, Jessica, Myella and Anthony. They were upset that they couldn't stay for Mission Memorization with some of their friends. But we couldn't get ahold of their mom, so we had to take them back. Most parents at the projects wouldn't even care and might not even notice, but we want to keep them informed any way. When we got to their home, their mom was there, so they asked her if they could go back with me. She agreed and they went inside to get coats. I have a brief phone conference and we're unsure if it's okay for them to come back as they'll miss dinner and most of homework help time. Finally we decide it's okay, and they're back in my van, much happier than they were on our ride to the apartments. I ask them what they like about Kid's Club, the VBS/tutoring program they've been coming to. "I like the songs and the games and learning about Jesus," Jessica answers.

"What do you know about Jesus?" I ask.

"Um...He died on the cross."

I pause to see if there's more and then ask, "Do you know why He died?" She doesn't, so I explain the entire gospel as best I can. The car ride flies past. Finally I try to sum it up for her: "Jesus died so we could go to heaven and be with God when we die, and so we can turn away from our sin and toward Him."

She gets it. "I want to turn away from sin and follow Him." I am amazed at God's sovereign plan for this drive that my flesh had been kicking against. He gave me that one-on-one time so that Jessica could understand the cross. His plans for my days are so much grander than anything I create.

2:36 am

2006-09-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

You know you are either too well-rested or too highly caffeinated when it's this time of night and you've been laying in bed for half an hour wide awake. Or maybe you just have a lot on your mind. Whatever it is, I haven't been able to get to sleep these past few nights, which is highly abnormal for me.

I painted tonight with the girls on my wing...which was relaxing and frustrating. I think that all of my artistic endeavors end up being an attempt for me to express my soul, and when it doesn't turn out like I think it ought, I get upset. And it pretty much never turns out like I think it ought. So I'm neither a poet nor an artist as much as I'd desperately like to be both.

Yesterday (well, two days ago) I went to our lovely TMC library and checked out a bunch of books that I felt it was my duty as an English major to read but I never did read as a result of my unorthodox highschool education, during the first half of which my teacher (Mom) thought I was over-Englished and the second half of which I mostly read humanistic, feministic and/or enviromentalistic essays (or rants, as the case may be). (That was an atrocious sentence, but it's too late for me to care. I'm very glad that I'm not required to diagram it.) Anyways, back to the point. I am reading 1984 (I know, it's shocking that I never read it) and I'm pretty sure that it's way cooler to me now than it would have been had I read it as a sophomore. I am so fascinated by it, especially the stuff that deals with language, literature and journalism, of course, and I'm only about 1/4 of the way in. I only hope the rest of my reading remains this enjoyable.

My computer is now fixed and, as a result, I now have my iTunes back. And as much as I missed my music and still enjoy it, I'm just really feeling like reinventing myself musically...or at least expanding my musical horizons. So if anyone has any suggestions, I'm more than willing to listen to just about anything...once.

Today was my second or third day at work (I forget which). And it didn't go too well. I had to run a bunch of errands, none of which were successful--partly through my own fault (it helps to have your credit card with you) and partly through the unavailability of various items. It was stressful and depressing, and it didn't help that I hadn't had down time since 8:00 am. As a result of that demanding schedule, I didn't eat anything until dinner, which was probably a bad strategy on my part. I was so messed up that I pretty much cried all the way back to the dorms...for no reason and every reason. But it was also good in a way--I hadn't really cried since I found out my cousin died suddenly last weekend, and I know I've been needing to.

I think one of the reasons today was a bad day was that I was far too me-focused. I concentrated on what I needed to do and how little time I had to actually do it and I forgot what I'm really here for. This week (well, since last Friday really), I've been trying to make every day a continuous praise song to God for His many graces to me, and it's incredible how that improves my perspective. The little things are huge when you see God behind them. But today I failed at that...and suffered as a result.

Classes are great...I might as well outline them while I'm wide-awake and in a typing mood.

Advanced Grammar: has made me start mentally evaluating and/or diagramming sentences as they come out of my mouth, thereby driving me nearly insane...but it's still really fascinating to study grammar. I know, I'm a nerd.

Shakespeare: any class in which Prof Horner plays a Bohemian shepherd with a Scottish accent and people have to audition their roars to see who gets to chase Antigonus offstage is worth going to...if only for the sheer entertainment value. I'm still not sure how I feel about Shakespeare though.

Postmodernism: Suzuki is amazing. And funny. And I'm really getting it, which is a huge plus. Also, I'm a postmodernist. I'm not sure how to clearly explain that to everyone who is shocked as they read that sentence, but my goal is to eventually be able to explain to the average layperson in five minutes why I am a postmodernist. Stay tuned.

Ministry to the Urban Poor: simply put--amazing. This is where my heart is and I love sitting around a table and being able to think through all the issues surrounding this ministry alongside of others who are passionate about it.

New Testament I: Behle is great and I get to read the gospels for homework. Pretty awesome stuff.

Philosophies of Education: I've had a few too many intense English courses for this to really fascinate or challenge me, but it's nice to have one class I can (somewhat) relax in. Also I am formulating my own philosophy of education, which is very interesting but as of yet almost entirely undeveloped.

Well, this has been a very grammatically challenged post with an extreme lack of coherence, so I beg of you to forgive me. Perhaps at an earlier hour I might think better...but it's doubtful.

Grace to you.

September 11

2006-09-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

Went back to Skid Row the past two weeks...I'd forgotten that my heart lives on those broken streets...

Both of the past two weeks I've ended up in long and intense conversations with Muslims. It hurts to look into eyes that gaze back with intelligence and lucidity and then realize that they are just as entrapped as those who look at me through eyes clouded with drugs and alcohol. It hurts to listen to them butt heads with my beloved brothers and sisters who are ministering with me, to hear them respond to my "I'll be praying for you" with an "I'll be praying for you as well." To know that all I can do is pray. Nothing I say will convince them that Jesus is the only way to God.

But isn't that how it always is? It's only that I feel that my words have an actual impact on the other people I minister to, when in reality those conversations are just as much a product of God's grace. How many times to I have to keep coming back to the reality that I am nothing? So, so often I begin to think that I can make an impact on people through my own merit, when it is always, only, all of God.

I am so lost when dealing with Islam. I was really encouraged in my Postmodernism class today when Prof Suzuki somewhat addressed this issue...in academic terms, but still it helped me see why I have such huge roadblocks to conversation when dealing with Muslims. He said, "The Muslims do not subscribe to our narrative and play the completely wrong game against us." There's such a disconnect between us and them that we're not even on the same playing field, let alone playing by the same rules.

This makes God's grace so much more amazing. He reaches down and miraculously transforms everything about a person so they come to saving faith in Him. Isn't that incredible?

...deeper into the glories...

2006-09-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time...

I'm back at school...

Back in the mindset where I've forgotten what to do if I have a moment of free time...

It was crazy to walk through WOW Week once again and remember that just one year ago I was one of those "little freshmen"...to remember how lost and timid I felt...to think of all God has done in my life in that one short year. In so many ways I think that I'm a completely different person than I was back then. God has been so good...I am daily amazed by His faithfulness to me. I don't deserve it at all. I fall every day...yet every time He accepts me back into His arms. I am in awe at His faithful mercy.

One of the coolest things about being back is being around all of these people who inspire me with their passion. I love coming away from conversations deeper in love with Jesus and more excited about the work of the Gospel. And there are so many people here who I only know a little, but I can't even see their faces without being reminded of how awesome God is. Then there are those who daily call me to a closer walk...Christian community is such a joy...it hurts to let them see all my faults, but it's so very sweet at the same time. What a marvelous grace!

Love love,
Jillian Rose

to reveal all of You that i can...

2006-07-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been exhausting and amazing...

I can't even begin to find words to sum everything up...

I spent the weekend of the Fourth in the company of some of the most amazing people in the world...between football and lightening bugs and Pad Thai and homemade peach icecream and crazy pool games and trips to coffee shops we managed to slip in some planning for our camp in Tennessee. The night of the Fourth found me in a church office, copying and stapling booklets for the camp. I heard the explosions outside...remembered past celebrations...and laughed. If someone had told me one year ago that I would be doing random secretarial work in Tulsa, Oklahoma when the next Fourth of July rolled around, I probably would have laughed at them. And yet I didn't mind one bit.

I think that's one of the biggest things God is teaching me in ministry this summer...that I don't matter. Not that the work I do doesn't matter, but that this thing I call "me" doesn't matter. My rights and personality and wishes and preferences and desires must all be laid aside for the sake of Him Who gave His entire life for me. I must keep killing myself. Moment by moment. I didn't realize how very much my life is totally me-centered, even in the little things. I want my life to be a sacrifice, willlingly and lovingly laid down for the sake of this great Treasure.

Hmm...where was I? Oh yes, Tennessee. The day after the Fourth found me playing football in the freeway median somewhere between Memphis and Nashville...as an accident stopped traffic for miles. We ran youth camp for Theta Baptist Church...that week was such evidence of my infernal weakness and God's majestic grace. It was such a joy to see God change kids...and to know that it was only Him who could have ever done such work.

I stopped writing this for a while to recollect my thoughts. They are no more collected...but I'm now fighting tears. God is incredible. I don't have words at all to describe the experince of Him. I just pray and live that people might see in my life the change that the gospel has made.

Project 61 ended today. I am exhausted and encouraged and discouraged and mostly more in love with God. Ah...why is it that I have to be at a place of utter devestation to realize my neediness. I know with my mind that I need Him all the time, but it's so rare that I know it with my heart, that He is all my desire, that His words provide all my sustenance, that prayer flows as naturally as breathing just because I am so aware of my need.

The kids, well, they're the reason I'm here. This wouldn't be a good post if I didn't tell you about Montana, the sweet bad boy type who stole my heart with one impish smile and has now moved away. Or Keaundre who stole Nate's wallet today and lied about it. We were shocked...he was one of the last kids we suspected of such a thing. Or the girl whose name I can't even pronounce, let alone spell, but who is so starved for love that she can't even accept it or recognize it.

So much more to say...

God is beautiful.

my calloused feet and too tender knees

2006-06-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

I love the line that I used as the title of this entry. I don't pray enough. You know that verse about praying without ceasing? I don't have any idea what it would mean to pray for even 10 minutes without ceasing...my mind wanders so often and I am distracted from my task at hand. I hate that in me...I hate the battle that happens in my mind every time I attempt a prolonged time of prayer. It seems weird to ask for prayers that I might be able to pray, but that is what I am doing. My knees are far too tender.

I meant to write a bunch of things that have inspired and/or convicted me, but alas I left my journal in the intern office...hopefully those rascally boys don't get to it...

Seriously though, I love all the people I am working with. It's awesome to see God use each of them...it's awesome to learn with them and pray with them and sit on a porch at midnight and talk about how great God is...and to laugh! We laugh all the time...these are some of the coolest crazy people in the world...I'm certain I'm the crazier for the twelve-hour-plus days we've spent with each other. And I'm okay with that.

I will leave you with some words from the great poet Pablo Neruda...I managed to get Allison hooked on him tonight so I thought it fitting...

...stand up,
you, stand up,
but stand up with me
and let us go off together
to fight face to face
against the devil's webs,
against the system that distributes hunger,
against organized misery...

...there's nothing else i need anymore...

2006-06-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Snapshots of my life as of late:

God is everything. I am only a barefoot nineteen-year-old girl standing in front of a class of children whose pasts are filled with more hurt than I can imagine. I am inadequate. I am more than inadequate. I am nothing.

My heart has been stolen...irrevokably. I love these kids with a passion I can't describe...and I break for them with a pain I can't describe.

God's plans are bigger than mine.

I'm more content than I've ever been. I'm more exhausted than I've ever been. And it's a good feeling to be exhausted working for the kingdom.

Sin is sneaky. Yeah. Really sneaky. It attacks when I'm not looking, lies in ways I forget to look for, and is bent on ruining my witness. Oh God, guard me in the shelter of Your wings!

I want today, tomorrow to be a time for dancing and laughing and embracing, but I can't demand my times. My times are in His hands. And that's where they're the safest.

"Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;

His going out is sure as the dawn;

He will come to us as the showers,

as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3

Amen! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

Much love...from the depths of my heart...

Jillian Rose

For the Bellinghamsters

2006-06-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

Today was the first official day of interning. It was, as my new roommate (another) Allison would put it, amazing. We've got a lot going on this summer, but the coolest part about it is that it's not just busy work. Everything we're doing is merely letting our light shine so that others see and glorify God. As Pastor Joe said this morning, the awesome thing about light is it's purpose is not to display itself, it's to show something else.

So the main reason for this post is cause I need y'all to pray. A lot. Our tutoring program starts tomorrow and it will be awesome but I'm not ready. Mentally or emotionally. miriam threw me off the deep end (for which I love her dearly) and then drew a picture of me drowning. Well, it looked so awful (me drowning) that I decided I must swim. So pray that I do. Thanks!

Oh! And fireflies (or lightening bugs, if you chose to call them that prosaic name) are amazing.

Much love...

Today...

2006-05-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

...I went to the zoo with my family. At the zoo they have a reproduction of some buildings in a typical African village.

We have so much.

...A Burning Fire...

2006-05-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 9:16--For if I preach the gospel, that gives me no ground for boasting. For necessity is laid upon me. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!

Jeremiah 20:9--If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name, there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary holding it in, and I cannot."

Does it ever hurt you that "Christians" can live lives in this lost world and NOT preach the gospel? That they can tell their children to not befriend unbelievers as they might be polluted by worldliness? That they can be partakers in the greatest gift ever bestowed and then promote trivial things like sports teams and new recipes and the latest and greatest invention when they do have opportunities to talk to unbelievers?

People, this world WILL NOT LAST! Why do we talk to unbelievers like it will? Why doesn't it physically hurt us, like a fire inside our bones, when we dance around the Truth and talk meaninglessly about the weather and coffee and clothes and all of the million things that seem to matter now and have no bearing on eternity? Why do we find it so easy to talk about anything but the gospel? Why do we talk about people who do share the gospel as if they've done something worth boasting about? People, that's our job! The only reason we are still on this earth is to share the gospel. That's it! That is the meaning of your life; that is the will of God for you. Woe to us if we DO NOT preach the gospel!

We've got it--the pearl of greatest price. What are you doing about it?

"back in pink"

2006-05-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

The title is thanks to Jake...a mixture of AC/DC and what he believes is an excessively spirited dorm life...he has this strange dislike for Waldock...probably because he's not man enough to wear pink...but that's me. Back. In pink.

It's been nice to be home. Nice--and weird. You see your own selfishness so much more in conjunction with family. And you see your discontent when you watch other people's dreams come true (dreams you've prayed about for years and years) and realize that the fulfillment of yours is still far in the distance. You know though, I'm seeing more and more that the only thing I've ever wanted is Jesus...I just didn't always know it.

I forgot how much I missed people till I got home. I was at a late night softball game, laughing at the antics of one of my friends, and realized that I hadn't known that I missed that, or even that I missed that friend. Being gone for so long gave me a greater appreciation for the little things. Like a well timed hug, or a home-cooked meal, or the antics of a large family around the dinner table, or driving on a sunny afternoon listening to country music with my little sister, or doing dishes. Little stuff that makes up life.

Still though, I'm excited about what's ahead. Excited and scared. I have this tendency to want to do whatever I think is hardest, what I recoil from...and after my initial "Yes," I begin realizing that I may have gotten myself in way over my head. But that's good for me, because not being able to do it on my own puts me where I should have been in the first place: completely relying on God.

I have more that I'm thinking about and wanting to write...but another thing that I forgot about is that one internet connection for seven people means your time online is both rationed and pestered. So now I must hand the mouse over to the singing 13 year old who's been bugging me...pretty much since I got on. :-) Jake's blog should be updated fairly shortly.

Thoughts on Teaching and English and Being Me

2006-04-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

...another Advanced Comp paper that also could serve as a blog post...

From kindergarten through tenth grade, I was home schooled. I never set foot inside a public school classroom, never even saw the inside of a classroom expect what I saw in movies and television shows. I entered community college my junior year, eager to learn, with no idea about what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew is that I was good at working with kids, and that there were avenues opening for me in special education. And I loved to learn.

My first quarter at Whatcom Community College, I took beginning composition. My teacher was a feminist (the first real one I’d ever encountered) and a liberal who was not shy about sharing her disbelief in any sort of organized religion. My first essay was an in-class essay about the controversial Eminem song, “Lose Yourself.” I took the opportunity to write about a biblical view of family, which I was currently studying with my mom, and held my breath as I turned the essay in to her. She gave me an A. The next topic, yet another controversial issue, yet another deviant paper. And another A. I got bolder and began speaking up in class. I found others who had similar beliefs but had been reluctant to express them for lack of support. And my teacher and I became good friends. In fact, a year and a half later she wrote multiple glowing recommendations of this once-timid ex-homeschooler who found her voice in English 101.

I sometimes think about what might have happened if I had not been in that teacher’s class that quarter. Would I have chosen English as my future field? In one of my talks with her, we discussed why she chose teaching English. She was bright and could have gone into many fields. But she chose this one because of the flexibility it offered.

Two quarters later, after taking an English lit class that exposed me to literature I never knew existed and made me fall in love with poetry, I took the next course in the composition series. This time my teacher was an even more politically liberal environmentalist who loved Joyce James and Kate Chopin and Quincy Troupe. And, to my surprise, he loved my papers where I would contradict him or reinterpret things from a biblical viewpoint. Another solid A. And my desire to teach English grew stronger. Sam Roper, my teacher for English 102, told the class one day, “I chose to teach English because I can really teach about anything, I can say almost anything, and I get to hear you guys talk about it as well.”

This appealed to me, as I felt like I wanted to teach, but I also wanted freedom to improvise. I wanted to talk about important things, to explore things about the world that are truly worth exploring, to make people think. So I chose. I decided that I would be an English major. People were pressuring me to teach somehow, I knew I loved studying English, and I hoped it would provide me the opportunity to teach what I love and what I see as important.

But the further I get into this whole thing, the more complicated teaching seems to me. It’s not just talking about what you love and getting students involved in talking about it too, it’s the daily in-and-out of grading papers and coming up with lesson plans and figuring out what to do about students who just really don’t care. That’s the part that bothers me the most: how will I deal with students who aren’t interested in learning at all? I’ve always been a self-motivated learner, seeking out things which interest me, writing for the pure pleasure of organizing my thoughts on paper, reading for the pure pleasure of finding new things and meeting new friends. I don’t understand people who don’t care about learning. I really don’t understand people who don’t care about grades. As much as I try not to, I find that I am obsessive about my grades. I even go to the point of seeing my grades as a reflection of myself as a person, an attitude that I know is not healthy or right. But I still strive for the best grade I can get. The grade-less classroom appealed to me briefly, but I don’t think that I could operate like that. I don’t think I could handle not having a grade to strive toward. Because as eager as I am to learn, I get worn out. Midway through the semester, I find my grades dropping, and I force myself to go to class and to turn in assignments because otherwise I’ll fail the class and lose my scholarship and drop out of school and end up in a trailer park working two fast food jobs. Yes, some days I have to actually picture myself in a McDonalds uniform just to get myself to class.

But not all classes. Some classes I would love to just sit in on if there were no grade pressures. If I didn’t have to take general education classes in order to graduate, I’d do things like take Isaiah with Dr. Boyd just because it’s amazing book taught by a brilliant man and I would learn so much. I go to classes and learn about the Bible and about foreign languages and about other cultures and about music and about history and about literature and about theories, and I’d love it. But I wouldn’t turn things in to the teachers. I’d write to sort my thoughts out, to remember things I thought were beautiful, and to tell others what I’d been learning. But I wouldn’t have this sort of education. I wouldn’t sit through my fourth speech class ever just because my other three didn’t transfer. I wouldn’t try to listen to a boring teacher read almost verbatim from the book I read the night before about things I already have studied. I wouldn’t go to a math class and do unit multipliers and interest formulas and other things I did in middle school. Yes, middle school. Because I’ve always been liked at math, and I’ve always enjoyed balancing my education by having a mixture of things I’m studying at once. Math homework had been a welcome break from reading, and reading has been a relief from studying politics, which has been a diversion from solving equations. If I didn’t have to graduate but could still go to college, I would be better rounded than I am.

But I am abnormal in this way. So many other students don’t have this sort of enjoyment of diversity in learning. If there were no requirements, too many people would leave college having not learned anything. They would focus on one specific thing, they wouldn’t try to think through and synthesize their learning, and they would just waste their years as a student goofing off.

So as a teacher, I want to be able to give students flexibility in learning, to let them explore what they enjoy, but I also want them to actually learn. I’m not into making students do mindless busy work, but I also want them to learn. This is what I see as my biggest struggle when I start teaching. How do I give kids a love for learning through fun and interesting assignments, rather than make them hate it because of an overload of work that is entirely meaningless to them? How do I get them to be students who don’t turn things in merely because of the grade, but because they are actually interested in or even passionate about what they’re doing? I don’t know how, because I don’t even know how to get myself to do this. I want to get back to when I first fell in love with English, back to my junior year when I discovered writing to persuade people, or back to my freshman year when I began learning about the whole realm of great literature available, or even back to my grade school days when I passionately declared to my mother, “Oh, I just love diagramming sentences!” I want to be able to get people to one of those places. I want them to fall in love with books and authors and writing and the joy of connecting two ideas. I want to teach what I’m passionate about in order to make others passionate as well. But, mostly, I want to point people to be more like Jesus through all of this. That is why I’m here.

these nights i get high just from breathing...

2006-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

How can life be so beautiful and so painful all at once?

The end of the semester is upon us once again, and I am tired just thinking of all I have to do in the next three weeks.

Today was amazing...a picnic in a beautiful abandoned cabin with some of my favorite people...wading in a stream, frolicking in a field, eating food from our childhoods, listening to "Drops of Jupiter" with all the windows rolled down...

Today was convicting...I read the book of Hebrews...amazing and scary...

I was going to write a long post about Skid Row, but I feel that my readership might be bored of the topic and miriam posted a wonderful entry about it anyways. Suffice it to say that I nearly bought a tent and moved down there. I just love and ache for these people so much that a few hours and a small taco doesn't cut it at all. I wish I was able to do more...but I can't.

For those of you who don't know yet, I will be interning in Oklahoma for two months this summer...working with inner city kids, which I think is one of my passions, but I need to find out for sure...and I am so excited for the opportunity. God is going to stretch me, for sure...and I can't wait!

Reading poetry is one of the small pleasures in my life...my Norton's Anthology of Poetry is like a treasure chest every time I open it. A very abnormal and eclectic treasure chest, yes, but still a treasure chest.

Have you ever read a book and found parts of your own soul staring back at you? It's scary. That happened to me the other day...I had to go for a drive to organize my thoughts...came to no conclusion but saw God's greatness more clearly, which is always wonderful.

I love people so much....but I don't love them enough. You know?

I use the words "amazing" and "wonderful" and "beautiful" far too often. I wish I had a larger vocabulary...or the English language had more words...or something. Oh for heaven...

Well, the hour is late and I should be writing something else so...
love love and a sweet soy latte to you all!

The Sibs Visit....

2006-04-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

Some random photos from Caleb's and Audrey's time here

2006-04-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

This is the "word bubble" for my blog. It shows the most common words used (on the front page at least). It is cool. You can find it at www.snapshirts.com.

nineteen

2006-04-10T13:32:00.000-07:00

I used to say nineteen was a useless age. Now I know that it's not true.

Nineteen is hard and scary and fun and awe-ful in both senses of the word, but it's not useless.

Nineteen is last Friday night.
Nineteen is sharing beautiful dreams for the future over bowls of cheap Pad Thai.
Nineteen is cranking the music up and rolling the windows down and driving fast and singing loud.
Nineteen is praying about the future and getting acceptance letters and praying some more.
Nineteen is seeing the hurt in the eyes of the girl shooting up on the side of the road, asking you to pray that she can get more drugs.
Nineteen is being naive.
Nineteen is not knowing what to say or do but trying anyway, because you hurt for others.
Nineteen is crying for prostitutes who can't even accept love in the form of a taco.
Nineteen is sitting on a filthy street, praying and crying and singing and watching people go to hell and crying and praying some more.
Nineteen is believing that something can and must be done.
Nineteen is feeling overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and tackling it anyway.

My childish optimism is passing away--it's being replaced by a fierce, enthusiastic realism (still with loads of romanticism). I'm learning about the world and its prospects and hopes and its sin and despair. I'm learning about what I can do. And I'm learning about this God Who holds the future.

"Lord, break my plans"--Romanian hymn writer

2006-03-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on a Rainy Night

2006-03-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

Today is the perfect sort of day for lighting a candle, making some tea, and curling up in a big chair by a fire with a good book. Sadly, the only part of that I have right now is the tea. Candles and any sort of fire are rather frowned upon in a dorm room. And time for reading good books is scarce around here.

For some reason, my heart feels a pleasant sense of melancholy tonight. To paraphrase Anne Shirley, it's a delicate shade of blue. I think this is a good thing. I'm not sad to the point of depression, just quiet and contemplative. It's good to be quiet sometimes, good to have a quiet minute to just sit and think. I learn things about myself in quiet and solitude.

God has been stretching this soul lately. I am clinging to the knowledge that He knows perfectly how far to stretch it for my good and for His glory. (I cringed writing that phrase. It's so cliche--but also so true!) I am in awe of His delicate personal care for me. I am in awe that He stoops to care for this soul, to place it lovingly in the flames and watch until He can see His reflection. Isn't it incredible that we could be His reflection? What an amazing thing He has entrusted to us! Why do I so often take this whole precious gift of being a little Christ so flippantly?

Even in the middle of all this stretching and heating, there are moments of glad relief. I got an email from Natalie the other day about the Lummi club. The timing could not have been more perfect. It was one of those nights where the homework had nearly done me in, and my soul was much darker than a delicate shade of blue. I was ready to give up on many things when I got the email. I had told her that my summer plans were quite up in the air (which they still are), and she told the kids at the club to pray that I would make wise decision. Mikey, the troublesome one (read: a five year old boy who isn't keen on sitting through stories for an hour), told Natalie that I had to come back to Washington and be his teacher! She went on to tell me news of the club...how the kids had grown, changes that had happened in the family...and by the end I was in tears. It was just a little thing, but so often when I was teaching that club I would reach such a point of discouragement--to see those little sorts of results made my heart glad. I realized that I might not see now what God is doing in things I deem pointless, but He always is doing something. Even when I feel that nothing is happening.

We serve an amazing God! (And I can't wait til Heaven when I will have better adjectives and more time to describe Him!)

Sublime

2006-03-19T22:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever taken a drive on a lonely dark day?

Have you ever found yourself on a windy road beside the ocean?

Have you ever scrambled down a steep slope to a rock overlooking the shore?

Have you ever sat on the edge of a cliff with your feet dangling over the stormy water and read the gospel of Luke?

Have you ever been afraid that the power of the wind might blow you into the ocean?

Have you ever watched the waves relentlessly chip away at the rocks?

Have you ever wondered at the power of Him who made the ocean and the wind and insignificant little you...and then died to redeem you?

Have you ever found yourself singing praise songs with your voice swallowed by the storm?

Have you ever curled up by a fire at a coffee shop and given thanks for the many things He gives, like a warm latte and a leather journal and a good book and heat that reaches to your bones?

I have. It may have been the highlight of my spring break....

I Just Got a New Caedmon's Call cd...

2006-03-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

I'll marry you if you can dance,
That's what I said,
Cause where I'm goin', they'll be dancing every day
And I'm gonna dance...

Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

2006-03-02T18:01:00.000-08:00

There is no particular order or coherence to the following list...

Jesus is both gentle and fierce--gentle with prostitutes and sinners and fierce with Pharisees--and I think we often get the two mixed up. We're gentle with the white-washed sinners and fierce with the blatant sinners. But we need to follow in the ways of our Savior.
I am completely inadequate in every way. Just when I start to think I might be actually helping people, I go to Skid Row and stand in the pouring rain, feeling utterly helpless. Helpless to give these people shelter from the cold and wet, helpless to fill their stomachs except for this small, cold taco in my hand, helpless to make them see that their situation will never be better until they surrender their lives to God. All I can do is tell them...about God's love and righteousness and plan for the redemption of the world...I can't change them at all. I am nothing without Him.
Alarms mean nothing when you've only had one hour of sleep the night before.
When I'm depressed for no reason, it helps to go and lay on a blanket and look at the stars and search my heart. Because you know what? I'm usually depressed because of unconfessed sin, because my only Joy I have pushed to the side, because I deem other, temporal things to be more important.
Strong Bad is insanely funny...and even more so at 4 am.
Talking to your friends from home is "good like medicine."
Some Californians will not drive in the rain. If I was that way in Bellingham, I would have never gone anywhere.
I've decided what I'm looking for in a man. Now God will proceed to show me how very wrong I am...
It's nice to know people--to begin to understand your roommate on a deeper level than the surface and how to live together without strife, to make friends whom you can talk with about anything, and to see God bringing your lives together for "mutual edification."
Valentines Day as a single girl doesn't hurt if you're looking to how you can serve others.
My heart broke for the young teens in Uganda, so much so that I wrote a fragment of a poem:
Dark eyes in a dark face
Stare from the depths of a dark heart
The hope of Uganda
With hopeless eyes...
I couldn't finish--there's too much in my heart and I can't find the right words. Actually, reading back over this, these aren't the right words. Oh, for the tongue of Heaven! I am glad the Holy Spirit intercedes for me with "groanings too deep for words."
"God will take you where you do not want to go in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own...We had better start encouraging one another with the theology of uncomfortable grace. You don't need the grace of relief right now, you need the grace of refinement." --from chapel with Paul Tripp
"My purpose in the life of every person I come in contact with is to have them walk away from each conversation more like Jesus." --paraphrased from chapel with Tom Rios
God opens up amazing opportunities for relationships with non-Christians where I've not expected them. Remember the kids I babysit? The 12 year old girl has really opened up to me lately and we're developing a relationship, and she'll actually open up to me about deep and important things. So I'm really praising God for that!

If you have some time and want to be convicted (ok, you might have time and not want to be convicted...), you should read some of Gunner's blog. He's the RD at Oak Manor, one of the guys dorms here. http://www.xanga.com/gunner23 (Sorry, I'm not good at html.)

Look, Miriam, I'm Updating

2006-02-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours!

English

100%

Journalism

100%

Linguistics

92%

Dance

92%

Art

83%

Sociology

75%

Philosophy

75%

Theater

75%

Anthropology

67%

Mathematics

67%

Biology

58%

Psychology

50%

Chemistry

50%

Engineering

42%

created with QuizFarm.com

Coolant and Independance

2006-01-29T14:49:00.000-08:00

Cars are a mystery to me. My dad is a mechanic, but I always tell people that doesn’t mean I know a thing about cars. I have a basic grasp of how to put gas in the tank and that’s about the extent of my knowledge. When my car overheated last August, I ended up in the corner of a parking lot with a jug of coolant and no idea how to get the hood open. The inner workings of an engine are things better left inner workings, I once believed. But moving to college has moved me away from my mechanic-on-call, and I’ve had to face the beast of this strange technology for the first time.

And it is a fearsome beast for one who is interested in anything but automotive repair. At 15, I refused to read the parts of the driver’s guide on how to change a tire. At 17, I called my dad for the smallest noise my car was making. And now, at 19, I find that I have to learn to deal with these things on my own. This frightens me and I try to avoid it at all costs.

In my world, my dad always took care of my car for me. I never needed to wonder when the next scheduled maintenance was because my appointment was already scheduled at his shop. I never had to worry about being stranded on the side of the road because I knew the best mechanic in town would drop whatever else he was working on and come to my rescue. Now he cannot come over a thousand miles just because my car is making a strange banging noise. I must learn to open the hood myself and make sure no key parts have come off or come loose, and then I must find a mechanic who will honestly diagnose and fix my car. I must learn where the coolant goes and where the oil goes and where all those other strange fluids belong and learn not to confuse them in a frantic state of emergency. I must learn to do it on my own, without my knowledgeable father watching every move.

It’s all a part of my growing independence and that is why taking care of my car scares me. It is not because all those spark plugs and belts and radiators and driveshafts are frightening in and of themselves, but it is because I am frightened of my own independence. I would rather not be reminded that I am growing up now and I must learn to face things on my own; I want to have my dad take care of everything for me just as he always did. I hate the change and the autonomy that taking care of my own car symbolizes. But trying to avoid that conflict is impossible with a 1993 Escort that insists on malfunctioning, and so I find myself needing to assume more responsibility. The mystery of the hood latch has been untangled and I am becoming more and more independent. But I still miss my dad’s greasy mechanic hands ensuring that I would always be safe on the roads.

To All Those Back Home

2006-01-24T11:53:00.000-08:00

Hello my dear ones,

Well, I'm back in CA...and in some ways it feels like I never left. Life is settling back into a routine and for that I am very grateful. Classes began yesterday and my babysitting job starts up again today. I still have a few more loose ends to tie up, but everything seems to be going well.

I'm really excited for my classes this semester because I can already tell that I'm about to be stretched in ways I've never experienced before, both mentally and emotionally. My professors who teach the bulk of my classes have a reputation for humiliating their students in the interest of learning. And I don't like to be humiliated! My pride is already telling me that this was a mistake, but I'm praying hard for humility and I know these classes will be an excellent lesson for me both academically and spiritually.

My two conferences were excellent! I'm overwhelmed by the sheer bulk of the material that was covered and all the ways I was convicted. I keep going over my notes and finding new things that strike me. So there is a post simmering in my mind, but it's not sure of the direction it's going to take yet. :-) But I do know that I have been stimulated and encouraged to live this next semester for the glory of God, and I've been taking steps to help me be disciplined in this. And so far this semester has seen a more organized use of my time and a better awareness of my priorities than the last one. So I'm excited about what happening!

I love and miss all of y'all and am so grateful for the refreshment of break and spending time with you. It helped me reevaluate what makes friendship precious--and you are very precious to me indeed! Please keep me up-to-date on how I can be praying....I have a cell phone now with free nights and weekends, so I can stay in touch more cheaply! Email if you want the number.

Much Love,
Jillian

I Want to be Like That...

2006-01-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

...like kids when I give them Bible for the very first time, like when they sit immediately down on the sidewalk to eagerly begin reading because they are so excited to read the very words of God. I want a hunger for God's words like that.

I want to be like that...

...like CJ Mahaney when he reads the Bible out loud. The words sound as if they're the most precious to ever cross his lips--because they are. I want a reverence like that.

I want to be like that...

...like Jesus who loved me so infinitely that He went to the cross...for me. Like Jesus who didn't think highly of Himself but lived to serve others and to do His Father's will.

I just want to be more like Jesus.

Reflections on 2005

2006-01-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Moved out of state, lived in a dorm, got a safety playing flag football...
Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I almost kept it--my resolution was to read thru the Bible and I made it to 2 Peter. Almost there! This year I resolve to procrastinate less.
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did anyone close to you die? Myself..."unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies"
What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A better prayer life
What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? I guess something to do with going to college--either the day I left for CA or the day I moved in at Master's
What was your biggest achievement of the year? I'm still trying to figure out what exactly it is that I achieved...it's very hard to put it into words
What was your biggest failure? Let's just say I screwed up a lot, but I have been forgiven and that's what matters!
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yup...I have a knack for getting myself so stressed out that I get sick...
What was the best thing you bought? My super cool leather journal from Barnes and Noble
Whose behavior merited celebration? Hmm...I think this is my least favorite question on this annual survey because it's hard to choose...or something...
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own
Where did most of your money go? Paying for college
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Ministry
What song will always remind you of 2005? "Out of My League" by Stephen Speaks...because I listened to it a lot!
What do you wish you'd done more of? Crying over my sin and God's grace and the incredible needs in the world
What do you wish you'd done less of? Living for my self
Did you fall in love in 2005? Like last year, deeper every day (with my savior...don't freak out peoples!)
What was the best book you read? This awesome love letter from my Lord and Savior...
What was your greatest musical discovery?/new artist for 2005? Stephen Speaks
What did you want and get? The movie "Independence Day" from my incredibly good-looking brothers :-)
What was your favorite film of this year? Pride and Prejudice
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Well...on the actual day I went to class, did homework, babysat and tutored. But my mom via my roommate threw me a surprise party the night before. Oh, and I turned 19. It's been a good age so far.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Funny how my last year's answer works again this year: "Deeper faith in God and His perfect control"
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Skirts and flip-flops. My mom would groan whenever I went shopping and brought home yet another skirt, but I love them!
What kept you sane? Faith in God's sovereignty
What political issue stirred you the most? The Iraq war and the death of Terry Schaivo and the constant struggle with what to do in Skid Row in LA
Who did you miss? Everyone in Bellingham
Who was the best new person you met? I met too many awesome new friends to choose
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: I am a horribly selfish person who lives for my own desires, but I ought to live a life abandoned to service
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive"--Reliant K

A Mystery

2005-12-13T00:18:00.000-08:00

So, good readers, I put up a hits counter in the wee hours of this morning, and have recieved 36 hits. Since I've only visited four times at the most, I am completely mystified as to how I got 32 other hits. Anyone care to enlighten me? According to the comment evidence, the only person to stop by was Amy. Or maybe I haven't said anything worth commenting? Any assistance in the solvation (yes, that's a word, I just made it one) of this mystery would be much appreciated. :-)

Perspective

2005-12-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

This is no ordinary day, no ordinary life I'm living
This is no ordinary day, no ordinary life I'm living
For You appear to me in the ordinary
....
You love these things that most would despise
That's not very ordinary --Late Tuesday

Places...

2005-12-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

The other day I was filling out yet another "about me" form, an exercise which can be quite frustrating for someone to whom words are important (me). How can I fit my soul into the confines of a tiny black and white box? If I wrote forever, I still would feel like I hadn't accomplished it. So each new "about me" holds a small portion of my soul and, were you to put them all together, you might get a glimpse...

This one asked for some of my favorite things/places/food/whatever. The favorite places one really got me thinking, and this is part of what I wrote:

"Places full of life and love...and places needing life and love..."

Images crowd in for both. Home, church, friends' houses, Barkley Starbucks, etc--full of life and love, and for that I appreciate and love them. Yet the second thought strikes more poignantly.

Tonight, after Skid Row, we drove back the slow way. Through LA, into Hollywood, up Sunset Boulevard, down Santa Monica...can your heart break for a place? Because I think mine did tonight. This whole city, so vast and needy, thinking that it is full of life and love, yet seeking so desperately for it at the same time. The life it offers sparkles while it is far off, but close up shows its true gruesomeness. The love it offers turns out to be not love at all, but power and position and lust and jealousy and a thousand uglinesses. If only they could see how close the true love and life is! But their eyes are so blind to all save their seeking...they don't see the cure. And it's terrible yet majestic in this glimpse given of God's justice and holiness. And, tonight, my heart aches for LA.

"the sweet sad scent of roses is strong on the air tonight" --me

2005-12-09T18:44:00.001-08:00

Stream of [My] Consciousness

2005-12-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

It's finally raining and it's so delicious! It makes me wish for home more--but there snow, not rain, may await. Only two weeks until I fly home!

Two weeks...and so much to be done. Tests, papers, projects, parties, meetings, packing, phonecalls, babysitting, tutoring, shopping, cleaning, spending some time with friends, going to one more concert, playing in the championship flag football game, going to Skid Row, somehow finding time to sleep and eat...I'm worn out just thinking about it all. Oh well, "I'll sleep when I'm dead," right?

Right now I'm in Amanda's room. We were going to watch a movie, but that never happened. Now I'm getting a familiar rumbling in my stomach and making plans to go to Subway with my roommate. This evening we're going to watch Pride and Prejudice with her boyfriend and maybe Aaron. I've only heard good reviews of the movie, so I'm looking forward to it. My last birthday fling before settling into the finals grind. :-)

So Thankful...

2005-11-29T14:30:00.000-08:00

...for everything!

I've been finding myself more and more overwhelmed with God's grace towards me. I know this is something that should happen every minute, but I realize that I have never experienced it so deeply before now. I am grateful for His grand redemption. "You were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from from your forefathers...with the precious blood of Christ." 1 Peter 1:18-19

The walk to the dorm from dinner has become a precious time of reflection for me. I am grateful for the stars and the solitude and for the ever-present feeling of God's care. "For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand." Isaiah 41:13

College is a scary time--because of the stress, because of discovering truths you hadn't realized before, because of decisions that will last the rest of your life, because of the independence which sometimes feels oddly like loneliness. I am grateful that God will always direct my steps. "This God--His way is perfect." Psalm 18:30

Sometimes I get homesick. It's unlike any loneliness I've ever experienced before--but God continues to show Himself strong on my behalf. I am grateful that I never will be truly alone. "Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me." John 16:32

It's such an awesome privilege to be a vessel of God's love to the lost world. Sometimes I am overwhelmed that God would use me. I am grateful for the gospel, and for the opportunities I have to share it. "I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls." 2 Corinthians 12:16

This list could go on and on and on...I have so many spiritual and earthly blessings! Who am I to merit this affection? All I can do is give glory to my generous God. He alone is worthy of all our praise!

2005-11-14T21:10:00.000-08:00

"I'm tired of American priorities! Who ever said your children would be safe in the call of God?"

A sermon has never made me cry...before. But John Piper's "Doing Missions When Dying is Gain" changed that. A friend told me it was the best sermon she had ever heard, and I might have to agree. The first time I listened, it was a Sunday night and I decided to alleviate my boredom by listening to this sermon while cleaning my room and writing a letter and doing other little tasks. But soon I found myself sucked in, sitting on my floor, paying rapt attention to my blank computer screen. And I ended up in tears.

Tonight we listened to it again, in small group. This time I took two pages of notes, but I missed so many other things I wanted to write down! It's good you guys, so good! It's been too long since I seriously considered the cost of following Christ, something each of us ought to often do. Amy Carmicheal said, "To any whom the Hand Divine is beckoning: count the cost, for He tells us too, but take your slate to the foot of the Cross and add up the figures there." The cost seems impossible--until you count it in the light of the cross. Than, for some reason, the suffering and danger pales in comparison. And oh! it makes me long for that deeper life, closer with Him, "further up and further in" as C.S. Lewis put it. Counting the cost never scares me away, but pulls me into deeper love for my Savior. For, as Piper put it in his three main points, "the promise is sure, the price (and the means) is suffering, and the prize is satisfying."

I can't tell you all that was said in the sermon, and, even if I could, you couldn't hear the pauses and inflection that bring the message to life. So, I'm pleading with you here, listen to it! Take some time, find a moment, sit down, and follow this link: (http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/desiring_god/) ...listen! OK?

"This mission is gonna be done--you can get on board or cop out and waste your life." -Piper

Abandon your small ambitions...
DON'T WASTE YOUR LIFE!!

What Book of the Bible are You?

2005-11-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

You are Ephesians.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by

Why...

2005-11-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

...am I more comfortable on the hard streets of Skid Row than the plush suburbs of the Santa Clarita Valley?

...am I so scared of being alone the rest of my life?

...do I so easily neglect my good resolutions?

...does my heart fear the future?

...don't I trust God more?

Googlisms

2005-10-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

Googlism for: jillian

jillian is a photographer
jillian is great
jillian is just beginning to suspect that things in her shadow are not quite what they seem
jillian is very open to new ideas so don't hesitate to ask
jillian is "who will we get who can follow her next year?"
jillian is not exactly the tame little mouse he's expecting
jillian is the only woman among many men
jillian is worried
jillian is a friendly little girl
jillian is a senior yoga instructor at yoga zone
jillian is a 25 foot fiberglass lobster style fishing boat
jillian is in a fight for her life
jillian is like coming full circle
jillian is no stranger to the stage
jillian is alone at the beach house playing solitaire and listening to music
jillian is able to read lips and decodes their conversation for the fbi
jillian is that she's the only one
jillian is one in a million
jillian is disturbed when a patient is brought in with an ingrowing toenail
jillian is busy with her life as a school teacher
jillian is a three
jillian is weatherbabe for fox 11 morning news and good day la
jillian is also the assistant captain of the local girls hockey team in port saunders called the "hockey chicks"
jillian is innocent of more than murder
jillian is a penniless innocent all alone
jillian is all about life
jillian is assaulted and nearly killed
jillian is finishing off a masters degree in teaching
jillian is versatile enough to wear as an everyday bag or it can be reserved for a special evening purse depending on the fabric that you choose
jillian is a spinster of 21 and his parents are desperate
jillian is really renee coulombe
jillian is seeking her son
jillian is our artist in residence
jillian is an eleven year old girl in sixth grade
jillian is truly an angel sent to us from god
jillian is being sought by fbi special agent alex cruz as a potential witness to two other murders
jillian is a dream come true
jillian is pregnant with twins

Googlism is a website where you can find out what Google thinks of you...which of these would you say are really true? I like "jillian is innocent of more than murder"--it sounds like a great beginning for a story, don't you think?

2005-10-26T02:06:00.000-07:00

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire--
See in my quiet places wishes thronging--
Forbid them, Lord, purge though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, satisfied,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

~Amy Carmichael

Less than 24 hours!!

2005-10-20T01:24:00.000-07:00

Life at Masters...complete with pictures!

2005-10-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

1.) Me and Alison at Disneyland

2.) Dennay studying in my room

3.) Dennay shaving Brandon's head

4.) Alison riding in the teacups

Just some random photos of things I've been up to lately--my roommate and I hung out at Disneyland (along with many others from TMC) last Saturday. She had never been and I've only been once, so we had a lot of fun acting like little kids! (My roommate is Alison, for those of you who don't know. She's 23 years old, from Wisconsin, and a business major.)

The other pictures are of normal life...yes, the shaving of heads has become normal...somewhat. I think there's something in the water because so many guys here are shaving their heads, and Dennay got to get in on the action the other day. It was pretty funny! (Dennay lives across the hall, and she's an 18 year old teacher education major from Texas, y'all.)

Thank you for viewing this episode of Jillian's photography, I hope you'll stop by again!

Coming Home

2005-10-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

It rained today, and my heart was glad. It was the perfect kind of day for curling up with a cup of tea and a good book and then cooking up a delicious dinner and then lingering around the table with my family. And as I did none of these things but instead walked to the cafeteria for another styrofoam box of food, I did a little dance because in two short days I will be home again. I will be back to the green land of rain and ocean and mountains and, most of all, the people who I love so dearly.

I didn't realize all the little ways I would miss home, but it seems that every day I discover a new one. For example, there is a sad dearth of grocery stores that make good Chinese food here. The country roads race past brown fields and citrus orchards rather than the lushness with which I am familiar. But most of all, there is no Mom to debrief with after I get home from school, no Dad to make corny jokes at the dinner table, no big little brother to plague the life out of me, no little sisters to talk and play and laugh and dance with, no little brother to constantly amuse and amaze me. There are no lengthy Starbucks conversations (because I can no longer bear to linger at Starbucks), no virgin margaritas late at night, no picnics at Hovander, no cruising the streets of Bellingham, no softball games, no trips out to the lake, none of the things I used to enjoy with the friends who know me so well. A girl can make new friends, but when you've only known someone for two months, there's a whole large portion of their life that has yet to be filled in.

So I am excited to come home, to see the changes that have happened in me and others while I've been gone, and to see those things which have remained the same. It's only for a few short days, but what days they shall be!

An Anniversary

2005-10-14T19:19:00.000-07:00

Can anyone guess what happened exactly a year ago today?

Give up?

It was my first post on this blog! Crazy huh?

It's been an intense year...and I'm glad that I have parts of it chronicled on this website. Sometimes I go back and read about what God has done and I'm overwhelmed. He's worked in my life in marvelous ways, and I feel priviledged as I see what He continues to do.

Here's to another year!

Special

2005-10-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

1 Thessalonians 1:4 It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much but also has put his hand on you for something special. (The Message)

She fidgets nervously, her feet dancing over the broken sidewalk as we talk simply of the heat and weather.

We walk to the mini mart to buy her some Coca-Cola.

She shoots up.

She apologizes as I try to veil the devastation I feel for her, for the deep puncture marks on her legs that deliver her slow poison, for her life here on Skid Row.

She opens up her life to us, telling of the years in prison, of the excruciating heroin withdrawals, of the quick relapse into a cycle of drugs and prostitution.

I ask her how she plans to escape and her answer devastates me further: methadone. How is this an escape? We talk of how to find happiness. I've never searched for mine in drugs, but there are so many places I've looked for false happiness. We talk of how they end up to be empty, "broken cisterns which hold no water."

She knows where to find true happiness--as I speak of the unimaginable joy that is God, she tells me of her relationship with Him. She knows all I can tell her about Him, she's heard of His great deliverance from addictions of every sort, but tears fill her eyes as she explains that it's never worked for her.

And yet she has faith in His power..."It must work, I just haven't received the gift of healing from it yet."

And she talks of the trap that is prostitution, how girls get sucked into it. Her heart breaks for these girls just as mine does for her. This is the ministry she feels she ought to do, to get to these girls before their future is her present. But her relationship with God is not there yet. The heroin to dull the pain of prostitution has her firmly in its grasp. "I've seen what Satan does when you let him have the power."

These words of wisdom and conviction coming out of lips surrounded by blisters. This broken heart veiled behind the tough external.

We talk for hours...she seems content to pour her heart out on that broken street for us to love. She is reluctant to leave our conversation, and so are we. We long to keep her, to protect her, to continue to shower her with God's hope found in His unfailing love and powerful redemption.

But eventually we must leave this divine appointment, our broken hearts overflowing with emotion. We promise to pray for her addiction to be broken, for her to find a way off the streets. As I hug her, she says in my ear "I love you." And then we return, changed by this sweet and devastating encounter.

Her name is Special. And she covets your prayers.

...When I have fears that I may cease to be...

2005-09-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain
Before high piled books, in charactry,
Hold like rich garner the full ripen’d grain;
When I behold, upon the night starr’d face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the fairy power
Of unreflecting love;–then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink. ~John Keats

This poem by John Keats wrenched my heart. After reading the tragic account of Keats’ short life, reading this sonnet on Keats’ reluctance to leave this world saddened me. He died at the age of 24, after a short yet brilliant life, and many have wondered what may have happened if he had lived longer. It seems that Keats himself had some of these same thoughts as well.

The opening lines of the poem gripped me as I saw my own struggles mirrored in them. I don’t face an imminent death as Keats did, but growing up in Christendom one is constantly reminded of their brevity. For years I struggled with this, fighting against acceptance, pleading with God to not take me or come back before my plans for my life were completed. I had things to do and to write and to read, I had people I was reluctant to leave, and I had my own plans that I felt were for my ultimate best. I refused to place my life securely into the hands of the One who created it.

But I found that in this rebellion there is no peace. I began to realize that He who formed me had the right to do as He pleased with my life, and the right to end it whenever He saw fit, no matter if all my plans and goals had been achieved or not. And as I released my life into my Maker’s hands, He showed me peace that I had never known. I saw that all of the things which I so loved about this world were merely cloudy, imperfect reflections of the greater things He has for me in eternity–namely Himself. With Keats, "on the shore / Of the wide world I stand alone, and think / Till love and fame to nothingness do sink," standing here, looking into the vast ocean of eternity, all the things I once held dear sink unregarded into the depths...I am caught up in the wonder of my God.

HeeHee

2005-09-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

Am I cool or uncool? [CLICK]

You are Super-Cool!

Woah! Step back - the future's so bright for you it's blinding me! You are the coolest of the cool. Everyone looks up to you as the benchmark for being coooool. The fonze was your grandfather. Any cooler and you'd freeze! WOO it's chilly in here.

Cool quizzes at Go-Quiz.com

Wow...I'm really can't believe it. I'd like to thank my parents for bringing me into the world...I'd like to thank my siblings for laughing at me so I would strive to be cooler...I'd like to thank...

Stephen Speaks

2005-09-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

My homework has been completely forgotten. Why? I discovered Stephen Speaks. Through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend in this crazy blog world, I found a new band that is so fantastic that I impulsively purchased one of their songs...and I am terribly tempted to buy more.

Then as I put the song on full blast and began dancing crazily around my room, my friend Danielle pokes her head into my room {looking for my roommate} and asks, "Where did you get this song?" When I told her, she laughed and told me they are one of Miriam's favorite bands and Danielle has a cd of them because of Miriam. I was just mad at her for not telling me about them before now!

~~~~~~~~~

Is there anything more cozy than peppermint tea, my pink blanket and good music?

~~~~~~~~~

God is amazing. Everyone is made in His image.......just think of it. Everyone who is dear to me is so different, showing me a different side of God's image. When someone drops their guard enough to allow me a glimpse of their soul, I'm amazed by the beauty of God that magnificently shines through.

~~~~~~~~~

Beauty is everywhere...even in the dark alleys of Skid Row. Even in the midst of that poverty and desperation, I see God's wonderful beauty. His grace becomes clearer! As we walked through the broken streets, I contemplated the cracked and scarred sidewalk. It mirrored the lives down there--broken seemingly beyond repair. But God can take the pieces, no matter how shattered, and rebuild them into something beautifully formed in His image. His grace is wonderfully beyond the reach of my comprehension!

~~~~~~~~~

Pray for two Jewish children whom my life has come into contact with this past week. Their parents don't want them to hear about the gospel, but the children don't fully believe the faith of their parents either. The oldest is twelve, that miraculous age where the world suddenly doesn't make sense anymore and you need someone to show you the order of it all. I want to be that person for her, to help her see the truth, but her father might not let me babysit again after my discussion of the sovereignty of God with her late at night. But what else can one use to comfort a child who is frightened of evil spirits as she tries to sleep?

~~~~~~~~~

Pray for me that I don't spread myself too thin! This week I start both FLO {like ASB} and a possible tutoring opportunity. And from this point, Jillian must find it in herself to say "no" or she will not have time to sleep or eat! {Because these necessities are the first things to go when the time gets tight.}

~~~~~~~~~

All of you have my love, and I think of you often. How can I be praying for you now that you've seen some of what's on my heart?

Skid Row

2005-09-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

The pit in my stomach increases as we drive through the darkened streets. Oh God, oh God, oh God echoes in my head as I hug my Bible closer to my heart. All I can do is cling hard to His Word as I watch the drama of the streets fly past my window. Piles of blankets show where people have already illegally bedded down for the night as huddles of others glance at us as we drive by. We pull to the side of the road and grab the bags of tacos. I send up a simple cry--Help me God--as I exit the van onto the cold street.

A man walks past and I attempt a brave smile. "What are you folks doing?" he asks. What are we doing? I wonder. A bunch of white, middle-class college kids in the worst part of LA at 10:00 on a Friday night? What are we doing?

Another in my group hands him a taco and he continues down the street. A huddle forms as we meet to distribute the tacos from Del Taco and the apples we smuggled out of dinner. "Jillian...come with us?" Miriam calls. I walk over to her, glad to have her by my side. Miriam is my inspiration for coming here. Her heart for the poor and love for the people of Skid Row just overflows when I talk to her, and I felt God prompting me to leave the safety of the Christian environment of Masters...to spend and be spent for another's soul. So here I was, scared to death.

We started down the street to catch up to Candace, Joe and Nate. Nate has already found Donald and hands him a taco. We talk to him about his Bible reading...he tells us about Psalm 29 and talks about his faith in the Lord...but I can smell the alcohol on his breath. He's visibly drunk. When questioned about it, he talks about the heartaches of living on the street and the pain he sees all around him. "Is that an excuse?" No, he agrees, but he still defends his addiction. Others seem to wonder why five white kids are surrounding this little black grandfather, so we turn to them and offer more tacos. Miriam and I talk to Ronnie; "What are your ideas about God?" she asks. He very bluntly replies that his god is narcotics. But he's been clean for awhile--he can tell us down to the month, the week, the day. Raised Jehovah's Witness, he is confused about theology. We discuss the Trinity, the Deity of Christ, and the only true Hope for overcoming addiction. Finally we leave him with hugs and a promise to pray that he will stay clean...along with an unspoken promise to pray for his soul.

Miriam and I join Nate, who is talking to two tall African American men while Joe and Candace continue to witness to Donald. Anthony works at the nearby highschool in gang prevention. "What do you do? How do you help the kids?" we ask. His answer can be boiled down to one word: Love. All they want is to be loved, and they look for it in all the wrong places, and they end up 30-40-50 years old on Skid Row. My heart aches for these children who have never known the love that I have, the love of a Christian family and of a wonderful God.

We walk down the block, turn the corner and huddle for prayer. As Nate brings Donald before the throne of grace, Donald himself rounds the corner. He asks to join the circle and slips in between Miriam and me. We put our arms around him while praying for another, and then pray again for Donald. As I listen, the smell of alcohol mingles with the scent of urine that pervades Skid Row. Inwardly, I cry out to God to open this man's eyes to his sin, to comfort him in this desolate place so that he won't turn to the beer for comfort. I cry for the pain that dwells in this place.

There are so many more people...the man who wouldn't even tell Candace and me his name, so hardened was he against God...the cocaine addict who would yell loudly and jump, landing with a bang that made me jump as well...the woman who was insane with rage, yelling swear words mingled with hallelujahs, screaming at an invisible person down the street while Miriam just held her and tried to comfort her. Again the tears came.

Then there are Phillip and Dynel. Dynel, fresh out of prison, stops us to ask if we are handing out church. "No, we're handing out tacos," we reply, "but we just ran out." But still we give him what we can: God's love. His friend Phillip joins him and we talk for countless minutes. As we stand on the side of the street, another group walks past. One man picks me out of the crowd and comments on my height. As he continues talking, I get more and more uncomfortable, praying frantically and looking around for help. Finally he leaves, with a promise to return. Shakily, I turn back to Candace. "You alright?" she asks. I nod and tell her to pray. The man never returns. Our group breaks into two as we continue to talk to Phillip and Dynel. Phillip seems truly interested. He offers us chairs (buckets and crates) and we sit beside the filthy street discussing God's glory with this homeless alcoholic. "You've made me think," he says. "Tonight I'll put the can down and think about what you've said." He wants to meet us next week...asks for a Bible...tells us to pray for him whenever we think of him. It wasn't a hard promise to make!

With our taco supply exhausted and the hours becoming morning, we leave...back to our heated and air-conditioned dorm rooms and our closets full of clothes and our all-you-can-eat meal plans and our futures full of hope. In the van, I talk to Hannah and Peter about our different experiences, about our struggles, about our futures that are so bright...how can we use them for Him? God has given us so much. Don't waste it!

Sorry Chris :-)

2005-09-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

Your Summer Ride is a Jeep

For you, summer is all about having no responsibilities.You prefer to hang with old friends - and make some new ones.

What's" Your Summer Ride?

Being Real

2005-09-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

I want to be real. Painfully, powerfully real. I want people to look at me and see a heart that beats for God alone, for them to see the me I am when I'm following hard...the me who aches over my adultery and longs for her bridegroom (...while sinning in the exact same moment).

But my pride gets in the way. Because for people to see the real you is a humbling experience; your flesh rebels against it. When people know the real you, there's the potential for immense hurt. At home I had those people who saw the real me...or at least parts of it. They were the ones who could look at my face and tell me that my "I'm doing alright" was a lie. They had the boldness to sit me down and ask, "Jillian, what's going on?" They took me to task and still loved me though they saw the sin. But to have that kind of relationship took years of built up trust and experiencing life together.

Here I've been uprooted and slammed into a brand-new world where no-one knows me that way. They see the brave smile and hear the "I'm doing alright" and then smile and keep walking. Because I lie. I tell myself that I'm doing alright when I'm really not...therefore how much more will I say that to an acquaintance of a few short weeks? I long to tell someone of the struggles inside of me, but I don't want to burden them, to make them feel responsible for something that they're truly not responsible for.

So I turn to Him who already knows my heart, and He comforts me from His Word.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction..." 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

"Why are you so cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalm 42:5

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine..." Isaiah 43:1

In Him is all my sufficiency, and though all this world should pass away, God will still be enough!

What Key Signature are You?

2005-09-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

A major - you love to live life to the full. You
have a vibrant social life and are not afraid
to take life as it comes. You are content,
bright and often spontaneous.

what key signature are you?
brought to you by quizilla

My Desire by Jeremy Camp

2005-09-07T23:05:00.000-07:00

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
That lays it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by You

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside

And I know my heart is to feel You near
And I know my lifeIt's to do Your will
It's to do Your will

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used my You
This is my desire, this is my desire
To be used by You

All my life I have seen
Where You've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all You've done
So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire, to be used by You

Break My Heart

2005-09-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

My first attempt at posting poetry...please don't laugh too hard!

my heart is torn in every direction
clinging to this
holding to that
loving and wanting
full of desiring
longing for anything
but the one thing I ought

one cure alone I see
for this treacherous heart of mine
God break it hard
wrench that away
refuse its desires
break, tear, chasten
bring me to that point
destitute, empty
where all I can see is the foot of your cross

then lift up my head
restore me
renew me
undivided I will be
but first I must be broken

oh Lord this hurts
my flesh cries in pain
my heart bleeds endlessly
my mind rebels
but those nail-scarred hands
pierced for my sin
gently bind me up
undivided at last

only a love as deep as Thine
has the courage to hurt me
to make me whole
a heart once torn this way and that
has found its great purpose
and focus
in Thee

My Song? (This Love by Maroon 5)

2005-09-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

This Love by Maroon 5

"I was so high I did not recognize The fire burning in her eyes The chaos that controlled my mind"
You were so great in 2004 that you make everyone a little bit sick!

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

2005-09-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

I can't wait until it goes down to 70 degrees and I can wear long sleeved shirts!

I'm Loving It!

2005-09-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to go to a school where:

The teachers pray before each class
Your main textbook is the Bible
Your teacher asks for your prayer requests and cares about the condition of your soul
The discussions always return to the main relationship in our lives: God
People you barely know ask what God's been teaching you lately
Everyone smiles at you as you walk past...real smiles with God's love behind them
Even in joking, people can't help but include obscure references to the Bible
Class discussions revolve around how Christianity agrees and disagrees with the ideas presented in the text
For homework you memorize portions of Isaiah
Everything centers around God and His Word

I think that my favorite class (although it is EXTREMELY hard to pick) is my Old Testament Survey class. The man who teaches it is an absolute wealth of information on the Old Testament, and I always don't want the class to be over yet when he wraps up. It's a lot of work to be in that class, but it's oh so worth it! My other classes are wonderful as well, but I'm just really loving that one right now. :-)

The Master Cup

2005-08-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

We did it! Waldock girls took back the Master's Cup! The Master Cup is a fun-filled event of various tests of strength, nerve, and willingness to make yourself look like a fool. :-) We first dressed up in dorm colors and decided who would run which legs of the relay. Waldock colors are PINK! Yes, Kimi, Waldock is pretty much the perfect place for you to live...named after your grandpa, and full of girls who love and wear pink.

There were 10 events in total, the most important of which was the $3.43 dive. In this event, a team of four people from your dorm take turns diving into the bottom of the pool to come up with change. When they have exactly $3.43, they take it to the official counters. My oh-so-important role in this contest was shirt-changer. I would pull the purple shirt that served as a baton off one diver and onto the other, almost falling in repeatedly. :-) Even though we were the last team into the pool, we were the first ones out of it. And, we were also the only ones who didn't have our change thrown back into the pool because of counting inaccuracies. From that point on, Waldock was unstoppable! We beat the second place girls team by about 5 minutes, and the first place guys team by 10 minutes. Last place was claimed by the guys dorm where all the jocks supposedly live...I'm not too certain about the futures of our sports teams if they are so athletically challenged as to lose like that. :-)

The guys team that took first place was our brother dorm, Oak Manor, so to celebrate we jumped in the pool and then went over to Oak Manor for root beer floats. Oak Manor is an off-campus apartment building that serves as guys dorms now, and it's really cool because they all have kitchens. Some of the guys were really funny...they asked us to come back every Saturday, using the kitchens as bait! :-) I'll admit, it is tempting. I'm going to miss cooking!

This, however, isn't the first contest my team has won. Another team that I was on won the Sandcastle building contest on the beach on Wed. And my team won the SBCC Olympics...I think my fortunes are changing! I can't remember the last time my team won anything.

The craziness of WOW (Week of Welcome) is finally over, and I'm terribly excited for classes to begin on Monday. It's gonna be awesome!

Better go clean my room! Love and hugs from the girl who misses you all!

P.S. The picture is of all the girls on my wing with the Cup.

Jesus I My Cross Have Taken

2005-08-23T23:46:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I my cross have taken, All to leave and follow Thee,
Destitute, despised, forsaken; Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition, All I've sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition! God and heaven are still my own.

A Weird Face

2005-08-23T22:39:00.000-07:00

Brittney and Jessica said they would miss this face I apparently make often, so I'm posting it so they will have to miss it no more. Hey, are you guys online yet? I have no-one's address, so I can't write even though I want to. Send me your address, OK? My parents have mine. I promise that anyone who gets their address to me will receive at least one letter. There! You have my word for it. :-)

Living in the Ghetto

2005-08-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

(My room)

Wow, it's been a whirlwind week! Somehow in the past few days I've managed to move from the safety and comfort of Boyer Road in Bellingham to the unknown ghettos of the Waldock dorm at the Master's College. That's right folks, I am now living in a ghetto. Graffiti, bricks, the occasional flower in a used pop can, the whole bit.

Well, it's not exactly a ghetto, but it is decorated like one! The emphasis of my wing, and the focus of our decor, is missions, especially Africa and/or inner city. Each wing has different decor in the hallways (in Aaron's it's random sports such as Lawn Darts and Badminton), and our resident advisor (RA from henceforth and forevermore) is passionate about missions. I think she and I shall get along well! :-) We're both English majors, and love books, so that was an immediate point of agreement. On Sunday night, she, my roommate and I, another girl from our wing, and a guy who we passed on our way out, went out to coffee. That's right, we just picked up some random guy.

OK, so I guess I'm really going for shock effect in this entry or something. :-) He wasn't a random guy, but a friend of our RA, and we brought him along because it was his birthday. He doesn't even like coffee though, so I'm not sure what was up with that.

I'm loving it so far! We haven't had time to get homesick yet (I think that's the goal of all this activity), and the weather is, of course, gorgeous. My "WOW Group" and I went to the home of some TMC alumni with a pool Sunday afternoon, and it was such a perfect day for it. I think I got a little burnt though. Oh well...Audrey's expecting me to come home with a tan, so a little sun won't hurt anything.

Oh! In addition to my ghetto home and picking up random guys, I am now the proud owner of a teal Vanagon!

Well, not really, but as we were coming home from church in it, I told the guy (who's from WA, by the way) about my dad's intense dislike for Volkswagen vans. I think my dad's actual words were "I will disown you if you get one of those." I promise I won't buy it Dad, even though it IS pretty awesome. Today (Monday) we decorated it and then drove around Santa Clarita on a photo scavenger hunt. It was tons of fun! I'm beginning to feel less lost and confused and more confident. This morning, only through God's grace, I got up the courage to eat breakfast with two total strangers! You begin to realize that everyone is wishing someone would come up and talk to them, and sometimes I just have to be the one to initiate conversation. if you know me, you know how difficult that is.

I love and miss you all! I pray that God will keep you safe, and keep me resting in the truth of His eternal presence. I close with a photo of my beautiful dorm room...any guys reading this ought to feel privileged, because the sight of a member of the opposite sex's room is indeed a rare privilege! (Oh dear, I still can't figure out how to post it at the end. Oh well, you'll forgive me, right?)

P.S. Caleb B, you made me cry. Don't do that, OK? :-)

The Last Week Begins!

2005-08-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe that it's already my last week of teaching! It's been such a great summer, and I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have as great of a job as I do! :-)

Our first club this week is a VBS at Laurel Baptist. This is a big enough VBS that the kids rotate around and so I have to teach whatever I'm teaching about 3 times. I've done the missionary story both times, and it's a lot of fun to do it this way. I get to adapt it..make it scarier for the older ones, tone it down for the littler ones...and get better at it each time. :-)

Our next two clubs are no-hostess ones in housing developments, which I went into with a little skepticism and a lot of prayer because of my past experience with the club in Sumas that was similar. (We had no kids.) We got to our first club, and I found out that a friend from Revive, the Christian Club I was involved with at Whatcom, lives there. My team and I walked all around the development and passed out more invitations. There wasn't much positive response, so we went back to the playground. One boy showed up a couple of minutes later, invitation in hand. We began club with just him, and had a total of eight children over the hour and fifteen minutes of club. Two girls left because one said it was boring and the other had to go with her, but the others all enjoyed it. Today when we arrived, they were waiting expectantly and excitedly to meet us. One girl said she had been watching all day for us! There are some issues at the club though. A little Russian girl came after we had started, and the other kids didn't want to include her because "she was mean." We never saw any signs of it! She was as meek as you could imagine, but the other kids were somewhat mean to her! I think there's some animosity between her family and another family there, because some of the kids said that everyone in her family was mean. Pray that we can bring healing to this neighborhood and that their relationships will improve. Becky gave a miniature "sermon" on 1 Corinthians 13 during the Bible lesson, but I'm not sure how much the kids retained.

Our second club is on Texas Street...probably one of the neediest neighborhoods in Bellingham! Truthfully, I was a little scared when I heard the location, but God has protected us, and all we've gotten so far is some strange looks...no verbal or physical attacks. :-) We handed out invitations again, and one boy responded well. He came to where we had set up club, but left when he found out that his older brother was unwilling to stay with him. No more kids came, so we set our departure time for 3:45, because we all needed to use the restroom (me worst of all). At 3:42, three kids showed up! We were kind of dying by this time [:-)], but we gave them a short club anyway. The little boy cam back with a friend and his little sister. The sister didn't stay, but both boys did. Today only the first boy came back, then when Becky began the Bible lesson, he ran away to "talk to his mom." We sat there for a couple of minutes, until he came back. A little bit later, three friends joined him! Praise God for growing both our clubs today...and for growing our faith through these various trials!

2005-07-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 32356 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	Kenny Chesney
Are you male or female:	The Woman With You
Describe yourself:	She's Got It All
How do some people feel about you:	Being Drunk's Alot Like Lovin' You :-)
How do you feel about yourself:	Life Is Good
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	Young
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	Anything But Mine
Describe where you want to be:	Somewhere In The Sun
Describe what you want to be:	The Good Stuff
Describe how you live:	Be As You Are
Describe how you love:	How Forever Feels
Share a few words of wisdom	Live Those Songs
Create a Survey Search Surveys Go to bzoink!

Santa Biblia

2005-07-25T12:21:00.000-07:00

So I've added yet another crazy purchase to my life. I bought a Bible in Spanish, and I am enjoying it so much! It was another one of those impulsive buys, and I was afraid I would regret it, but that hasn't been the case. I love turning to familiar verses and then reading them in Spanish. When it's in a foreign language, I pay more attention to things like verb tenses and the purpose of each individual word. It's also fun to tackle an unfamiliar passage with my trusty dictionary in hand, struggling to understand each new word. It's opening up a different enjoyment of the Bible for me. Because I have to struggle to read it, I pay more attention to the little things.

"So what's the point, Jillian?" You may be asking. Well, here it is: Now I really want to learn Greek. If it's so cool to read the Bible in simply a different language, how much cooler would it be to read it in the original language?

Live Like You Were Dying

2005-07-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how quickly death can come. Yesterday as I was checking my Master's email account, I found out that Bethany Rerher died last weekend in an automotive accident. Any of you who remember Majesty might remember Bethany, but I remember her for more than that. During my first visit to Master's, she sang during chapel and then borrowed a vacuum cleaner from my roommates later that day. I talked to her for a little while about her and my future plans, and she promised to look me up when I came to Master's. Then she came to little old B'ham with Majesty last summer and we renewed our acquaintance. (She is briefly on the DVD, if you can't quite remember who she is.) Finally, the last time I visited, we ran into her at dinner one night and then at chapel the next morning, with her now-boyfriend, Bjorn (also from Majesty).

She had beautiful plans and dreams for her future, and her greatest desire was to glorify God. In her biography on the Majesty website, it says, "Bethany's prayer is that each experience this year would refine her to be more like Christ."

But now, suddenly, she is dead, along with her sister who was planning on coming to Master's this fall, and both her parents. In our finite view of things, it seems to make no sense. But as the pastor at a memorial service held in Spain said:

The deaths of Bethany and her family cause us to remember that we should be prepared to go into the presence of the Lord at any moment. Bethany has presented herself before the Lord having dedicated her last months of her life to glorify the name of God with the gifts God had given her, using them in His service. The Lord decided to call Bethany into His presence knowing that His daughter had plans for her future that included a life dedicated to serving Him in India, Bangladesh or wherever He would lead, renouncing many things to serve Him. If He called us could we say the same? Or would we be found living for ourselves and making our own plans? I do not doubt that one day, when we see things from God’s perspective, we will better understand his design.
In the meantime, we must know that Bethany’s death was not a fortuitous event, but it was by the will of God, according to His inscrutable ways and for His glory and the glory of His Son Jesus Christ. Bethany, Bill, Pam and Amy are now with the Lord, with joy unspeakable that we can barely imagine. They are contemplating Him who does all things for the good of those who love Him, and all this has been possible because of another death, the death of God Himself – God made flesh who came to pay with His own life our sin. He came to give salvation free and to give a sense of life and death to all those who repent of their sin and put their faith in Christ Jesus, who paid the punishment we deserved.

God has purposes in everything, and His ways are beyond finding out. Even in this tragedy, His good plans are being worked out in those still remaining. Pray for their brother and son, Matt, along with his wife Kara, and for Bjorn. I can't even comprehend losing someone so close to me, but I know that even in trials such as this, His grace IS sufficient. I pray that those who loved this family will know that every moment.

It's sobering to think how quickly that it happened. It could happen at any moment, anywhere, to anyone. If I was taken so quickly, what would the response be? Would people have the same faith that it had been a life well lived although short? What about if others were to die? Would I have assurance of their saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? It's good for me to ponder these questions, to stop and evaluate what's really important. Are you living like you're dying?

Another Adventure! (Accidentally Illegal...Oops!)

2005-07-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Marcie and I went to Bellvue to see her cousin play baseball, and we managed to get lost multiple times. I drove the entire way, which we should have known from the beginning wasn't a very good idea. I can be a little blonde sometimes, as illustrated by our adventure on the Bellvue Community College campus. We were trying to find a phonebook, and BCC was one place Marcie was pretty sure she knew how to get to. I'm going to give you her description of the events:

Instead of driving AROUND Bellvue Community College, we drove THROUGH it. Yes, we drove through the campus of BCC. It was great. We were starting to drive around it. And then Jill took a right when we were almost all of the way around it (I thought she was going to turn around in the parking lot). Instead, she goes straight...and I knew she was heading onto the campus.
Our conversation kind of went like this:
Me: "Honey, where are you going?"
Jill: "I'm following the road, see?" (pointing straight ahead between two buildings)
Me: "Honey, we're on the campus."
Jill: "No we're not, this is a road. There's clearance signs on the buildings!" (pointing out said signs)
Me: "No, we're driving through the campus. Trust me, I walked through here yesterday. Right where you're driving."
Jill: "Why are there clearance signs if we can't drive here? We're fine." [Seriously, there were signs everywhere saying Clearance: 10'5", etc. What's the point of having them in place where people who are 7' at the very tallest will be walking?]
Both of us: dying from laughter!
Me: "I'm sure you're driving on the campus...see the fountain?!" (pointing to my right)
Both of us: "OH MY GOSH!" (hysterical laughter) [By this time I believed her...mainly because my car was having difficulty maneuvering between the ugly statues and sets of stairs.]
Jill: "Okay, we're on the campus...we'll just follow the road"
Me: "I don't know if this road goes anywhere"
Jill: "It should..." (coming to what looks like a dead end) "Uh-oh." (seeing that it's not a dead end and in fact leads back to the main road) "Oh, we're fine!" [However, at this point I had to go REALLY slowly because I was going between 2 buildings that were just far enough apart for my car to barely squeeze through. I was now SURE I was not on a road. :-)]
Afterwards, we pulled over in some parking spots (key word: SOME, seeing as how we took up like, four) and just started LAUGHING.

I had been laughing so hard that my stomach ached like crazy, and I got out of my illegally parked car and was leaning against it in the complete hysterics. All of a sudden, a cop rounds the corner behind us. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't talk AND I was terrified that were going to get in trouble for our little escapade. So as the cop pulled near us, we just waved and smiled. (I thought about trying the eyelash fluttering, but those of you who know me well know how poorly that usually works out.) He started just driving past, but Marcie stopped him to ask for directions, and, after calming down enough that I could actually drive, we took off to get lost once again. :-) Marcie has the full account...but you've got the highlights here. Don't ask what possessed me to go onto that walkway--I really don't know!

2005-07-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today has been a productive day! It's nice to come back from vacation when you've been gone long enough to be truly refreshed. I was able to relax and come back and attack my to-do list with renewed vigor. :-)

One of the major things I did today was got my finances for Master's all organized. I sent a LARGE check to California today, and now it's official: I am a student of The Master's College. With that check safely in the mail, there's really no turning back now. I could still back out at the last minute, but I would lose a large amount of money. :-) I went back and read my journal entries from those times where the issue of tuition money seemed to be an insurmountable obstacle. Oh, was I in the depths of despair! It seemed that God was closing the door, and no windows were opening anywhere else. I was just...stuck. But God was really calling on me to trust Him more, and trust myself less. I get so caught up in an "I-can-do-it" mentality that God sometimes has to bring me to my knees in a hurry. But there's no better place for me to be than on my knees, looking to Him for the things I need. He has provided in ways that I never forsaw, and I am in amazement at His faithfulness! My bill has been paid in full, and I am well provided for all the things I will need before and during my move to California.

With those thoughts to ruminate on, I will make my first ever attempt at posting a picture. We'll see how well it goes! :-)

Cannon Beach

2005-07-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

Hello from beautiful Cannon Beach on the Fourth of July! I hope all of you are having a wonderful holiday. Mine is going great! We have the afternoons free to do whatever we want, so I'm planning on taking a blanket and book to the beach and staying there til dinner. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

Chris commented on Lydia's blog that our family goes to Cannon Beach, like, every year, and he's right. There's a Christian conference center here that our extended family has been going to every summer for years and years, and we've joined them for the past 3 years. They feed you breakfast and dinner, and everyone has morning and evening teaching sessions. The afternoons are free to explore town or go to the beach or sight see...or whatever! The center is a block from the beach, so we go there all the time. Audrey and I have watched the sunset every night, and last night we had a bonfire with some of the other teens here. Even though it's illegal, people were setting off fireworks up and down the beach last night, so I've already had my fireworks show. I get another tonight anyway, though. :-)

One of the things that's been great about this vacation is the time I get to spend with my siblings. Since Caleb, Audrey, and I are the only teenagers in our family (Lydia doesn't really count because she hangs with the younger cousins), we stick together a lot. This is really nice because we've been going so many different directions that we're not always completely up-to-date on each other's lives. Here though, we are able to talk for hours without the normal things that pull us so many directions. Since Caleb got his license (yes, he did), it's been even crazier because I don't have to drive him everywhere he wants to go. I think I'm going to miss those days.

Well, I'd better go. The beach calls me!

Good Times

2005-07-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

This week has simply flown by! It was my one full week this summer during which I had no commitments, so I had all sorts of plans for how to use it. Sadly, only a few of those came to fruition, but it was a good week anyway, and my room is clean along with all of my clothes. That's a good feeling!

The most exciting thing I did this week was on Sunday/Monday. After the baptism service (which was awesome!), Rachel, Amy, Brittney and I went to Starbucks. I hadn't realized how much I missed Starbucks while I was away at camp...maybe I need to join some sort of 12 step program. Oh dear. :-) Then Amy left and we went to Rachel's to get clothes for Rachel and Brittney and then to my house to get clothes for me and burn a CD for Rachel. While we were there, we had a discussion with my mom on everything from witchcraft to dating relationships. I'm not sure how we got from one to the other...but it was fun anyway!

Then we went on some random errands and came back to my house for dinner. We invited Marcie over and watched a chick flick, and then went out to the trailer for a sleepover. As soon as we got out there, we decided that we were hungry, so Marcie and I went inside to see if we had anything worth calling junk food. We ended up with: various types of tea, 3/4 carton of Mint Chip icecream, a large bucket of peanuts, some packages of Corn Nuts, a few cookies, and a bag of Honey BBQ Fritos Twists. This is a fairly typical assortment of "junk food" in the Hazel house...Caleb B. once remarked that we have a weak junk food cupboard. :-) The best part was when we made Brittney eat most of the icecream, telling her it would just melt and make a mess if she didn't. About halfway through, she looks at us and says, "I just realized that this is my least favorite icecream." We just laughed at her and told her she had to eat the rest anyway. I think laughing is the thing we did the most that night...even though Rachel and I had been planning on crying. I guess we just went to the other end of the spectrum!

The next day, we had breakfast and Rachel left for school. Marcie, Brittney, Audrey and I decided we wanted to go to White Rock, so we had lunch (the deciding took a long time) and then went to get Jessica and the Jones' birth certificates. It took awhile because the certificates were in a weird place, but we were on our way to Canada by 3:30. We had trouble getting through because the Jones' don't have picture ID, but they must have decided we didn't have the mental power between the five of us to be terrorists or drug smugglers of any sort! We shopped around and got icecream, and mainly did the crazy stuff we've known to do. When the guy asked if we were bringing anything back from Canada, I gave him our previously prepared answer, "2 toe rings, 2 pairs of earrings, 2 stickers and a keychain." The look on his face was priceless! Yep, we're definitely big spenders!

Then we went to Subway in Lynden for dinner and then to the softball games. It was a good couple of days, and I had lots of fun, good talks, and, of course, good times. :-) Now we're off on vaction to Cannon Beach for 5 days, so I'll talk to ya'll later! Have some good times for me while I'm gone. :-)

CYIA Update

2005-06-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

Thank you so much for all your prayers while I was at camp. I was reminded again how much we need continual prayer, and God answered in amazing ways.

On July 10, all of the CYIAers will be sharing during evening service, and I will be sharing one of these stories there as well, so I hope you don't mind the repetitivity.

We had a safe and fun ride down to camp, and I wasn't the slightest bit sleepy during the drive, which was a huge praise. The rest of that day I was very tired and had to drink 4 caffeinated beverages to get through the day, though. As soon as I got to camp, Jeff (the director) gave us our room assignments and told me that he had switched me to being a senior CYIA supervisor. That was a somewhat scary moment for me! But there were immediate benefits that I could see as well. For example, I would be able to actually see and participate in a similar club to the ones I will be teaching this summer.

After unpacking, I met the girls I would be supervising at clubs. Their names are Erin, Elizabeth, and Melissa, and they are 16, 16, and almost 16. One of the girls' mothers was also a supervisor, and she didn't believe that I was her daughter's supervisor at first. That was a humbling but amusing moment for me!

In our first supervisor meeting, we got our club assignments. After handing out the packets with maps and other supplies that we would need for club, Ken (the guy that organizes the clubs and contacts hostesses) told us about a club that was heavy on his heart. It was at Continental Apartments in Auburn, which is in a poor Hispanic neighborhood. He talked about the immense need there, and the hundreds of kids in that neighborhood who are largely without supervision. I looked at my packet...there on the front were the words "Continental Apts." Two other teams would be going there as well, so that evening the two other supervisors and I drove off to find the location so we wouldn't get lost on our way to club on Monday. When we found the neighborhood, I saw that it was teeming with kids, but it was also full of adults who looked suspiciously at the three white people driving around the block. I didn't feel very safe! We also found out that we had no hostess and would be bringing the snacks, etc., ourselves. It was at this point that I decided to send a letter to my mom asking for prayer. :-)

Every morning, we would have a practice session in which we would run through the entire club as a team, and I would evaluate the teens and tell them how to improve. The first morning we did it, I was really excited to see what would happen. I came to the practice fresh off a supervisor prayer time, and I was excited, but it was three terrified faces who looked back at me that morning. They were scared and unprepared, and they knew it. Their individual study times had not gone well, and it showed. That practice did not go very well, and the Bible lesson was a complete flop. She had too many notes crowded onto too small of an area, and she kept getting confused. We all came out of it with a firm resolution to study during free time.

After much prayer and studying, we went to club. God blessed us with safe travel throughout the whole week, which was a miracle because I was so often distracted during the drive time. When we got there, a little girl was already waiting in one of the tents and we struck up a conversation with her. Her name was Alma, and she was 9 years old. She told us that the others were still at school, and their bus would come at 3:50. Our club was supposed to start at 3:30, but we immediately decided to change it to 4:00.

That club was crazy but fun. Two girls responded to the invitation, one of whom was our friend Alma from the start of club. They both believed in Jesus as their Savior that day, and both asked for Bibles. We promised that we would get them and drove back to camp with much rejoicing.

The next day was drizzly. We were concerned because our club was outside, and the closer we got camp, the harder it rained. There was thunder and lightening, and my windshield wipers were going as fast as they could. When we got out of my car, it was as if we had stepped into a shower! We ran underneath the eaves of the building and immediately began praying for wisdom and calmness in the face of this adversity. The "guys team", as we called them, showed up with an umbrella, and we got the manager to open up the cabana. But still we were unsure of what to do because we had three clubs at that one location. Finally we decided that two of the clubs would meet where apartment buildings came together, and the other would be in the cabana. That day, one girl believed in Jesus for the first time at our club, and another was counseled for assurance of salvation. In the guys' club, 6 kids believed!

Wednesday it rained as well. Our club went fine, but Elizabeth, who did the Bible lesson, was discouraged. She had wanted to lead a child to Christ, but none had responded to the invitation. She thought of more things she had done wrong than I had thought of, and she was most upset because she had forgotten to give a Bible verse when she gave the invitation. I encouraged her as best I could and prayed with her.

Thursday we were able to be outside again. The nice weather, however, made it so that we lost some of the boys to a soccer game. They would kick the ball around, come and listen a little, and then go back to their game, which was knid of distracting. By Thursday evening, all four of us were tired, out of sorts, and mildly depressed. But as the supervisor, I had to be the instigator, so I did my level best to be enthusiastic and peppy that evening. Those of you that know well know that "peppy" is not a word you would often use to describe me, so I had to rely on God a lot to get me through. By His grace, we all made it through that evening and even got some studying done.

We went into Friday morning with a lot of energy...supernatural energy I'm sure because we all didn't sleep very well. Elizabeth was teaching the Bible lesson that day, so we were all praying that she would get the opportunity to counsel children. Whenever any of the four of us was asked for a prayer request, that was it, so Elizabeth was smothered in prayer.

When we got to club though, we had no kids. The other teams each had one or two, but we had none. After another prayer huddle, the girls went to knock on the doors of the kids' houses and ask if they wanted to come to club. Meanwhile, the Junior CYIAer who had joined our team stayed with me to talk to others about the problem. We found out that all of the kids were at a fair at a nearby game farm. One girl came by, however. She had not gone to the fair because she was babysitting. We started club with just her. Elizabeth was a couple of pages into the Bible lesson when another little girl arrived. We had Maria help Elizabeth tell the start of the story again, but neither girl responded to the invitation. Then during the missionary story, eight more children showed up. Erin told them, "We can't do the game because you guys weren't here for the story." But the kids asked to hear it again, so Elizabeth told them. By now, she was experienced and did a beautiful job, but still no one responded.

After the review game, Erin led them in our "One way" theme song. As she did so, she went over the gospel truths again, and reminded the kids to talk to Elizabeth if they wanted to know more about how to believe on Jesus. Then the mayhem of the end of club began. In the chaos, a little girl came up to me and asked, "When do we talk to Elizabeth?" "RIGHT NOW!!!" I told her, and led her over to Elizabeth. That day, Alejandera believed in Jesus Christ. We were all ecstatic, and our JCYIAer was jumping up and down! She had never seen God answer prayer so vividly before, and her faith grew incredibly that day. We hated to leave that afternoon, but we left the kids with lots of smiles. The girls we had given Bibles too were reading them hungrily as we left...it was awesome to see!

So there's a brief story of how camp went. ("That's her idea of BRIEF?!?" I'm sure you're thinking.) It was awesome, as usual!!

I do have some prayer requests amid all these praises:

~For Alma, Samantha, Maria, and Alejandera, that they will grow in their faith and continue to have that hunger for God

~For the Continental Apts. area, that a strong Christian witness will develop there

~For Erin, Elizabeth, and Melissa, that they will remain strong during this after camp time that they are particularly vulnerable to attack

~For me that I will remain faithful to being in God's word, and that I will be strong to follow through on some hard decisions that I made at camp. That love for God would continue to consume me and to overflow to the children I teach

~That I will be able to prepare adequately for clubs

~That the clubs would be prepared for me!

~That I will be able to make a good team with those I teach with, that we will work well together

Thank you so much! I will start teaching clubs July 11, and another email will probably get sent out around that time.

In Him,
Jillian
1 Corinthians 15:58

The Brick Interview

2005-06-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the aspiring reporter C. Jennings Breakey flipped his new tape recorder on and scanned the room for his next victim. Aha! He noticed the unsuspecting Jillian Hazel curled up on a couch in the Syre Student Center, trying to get her homework done for her next class.

"Jillian!" he said in his best reportorial tone of voice. "What do you like the most about Whatcom Community College?"

She looked up, startled to see the recorder pointed menacingly at her mouth. "Um..." she began stammering, "...I don't know."

"Come on, there's got to something," he persisted.

"Well..." her eyes fell on the walls of the Student Center, "the bricks."

"The bricks!" He seemed shocked, befuddled.

"Yes, the bricks," she replied and went back to her math book, signaling that the interview was over. The reporter left, in search of the next victim.

**********

This conversation happened somewhere during the first weeks of our life at Whatcom Community College. I grin to think of myself back then--terrified of the horrors that would await me at a public school yet thrilled by the challenges it presented. I think of the timid girl who pushed the doors of Kelly Hall open with much trepidation that first morning, and the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she found her class and then had to figure out where to sit. God was so very gracious to me! That very first day, He sent me my first friend. A girl named Nancy sat next to me that morning and began talking away like we were old friends. By the end of the class, I had a study partner and someone to share my hour-long break with. Then I got another pleasant surprise when I found out that Caleb and Jake, two of the three people I knew on a campus of 7000, also had a break at the same time. It was during one of those times that Caleb sprung The Brick Interview on me.

I'm not exactly sure why I responded as I did, but I know I've always had an odd affinity for brick buildings. Whatcom does have a beautiful campus, and the bricks are very nice, but were I given the chance to respond to that question again, "the bricks" would not be the first thing to pop out of my mouth. It would be "the people."

Beginning that first morning, and continuing every day even through now, God has placed in my life both amazing Christian people and non-Christians who have challenged me to be bold in my stands, firm in my convictions, and sure of what I believe. I've gone from the girl who knew three people on the campus to the girl who cannot walk across campus without greeting at least two or three acquaintances, and never a day goes past where I do not see a dear friend.

In exactly a week, I will take my last final exam. In a week and a day, I will put on a maroon robe and walk across a stage in the gym to receive my diploma. And there will be others there, both on the stage and in the crowd, that have gone through this journey with me. They, not the bricks or the grass or the fountains, will be the reason that I am sad to see this chapter end.

Memorial Day Weekend

2005-05-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, another wonderful weekend has come and gone and I'm back in the WCC library, counting the hours until graduation. I'm really excited and terribly scared about it, but mostly I'm just ready for this quarter to be done. Spring is tough because I'm usually getting really burnt out by then and the weather is often so nice that studying takes a backseat to playing, and then on days I can study, the workload is so huge that it's somewhat overwhelming.

But let's think about happier things!

Last Thursday night was the Running Start graduation reception. I went into it with some trepidation, mainly because I had foolishly volunteered to play the piano. Also, Rachel and I decided to spend the afternoon at the park rather than studying like the mature girls we are, so I was feeling a little behind. My original plan had been to practice my sonata all afternoon so it would just flow from my fingers that night, but I went to Blodel Donovan and got sunburnt instead. But it was worth it!

There were so many people that I love at that reception. My aunts drove up from Concrete, a large portion of my dad's extended family came, many friends from church showed up, and I also had many friends from Whatcom there. As I sat on the stage, I almost cried as I thought of all these loved ones.

We had a great group of Running Start students graduating. There were many strong Christians who stood up and made bold witnesses of their faith during our open mic time. I almost went up and said something, but I felt like there was nothing I could say that hadn't been said better by someone else, so I just offered up a silent prayer of thanks to God. Caleb read something about it though, and he made me cry.

My piece went OK, but I was shaking dreadfully toward the end and missed some of the keys. But there were no major catastrophes, for which I was exceedingly grateful!

Afterward, my relatives took about three million pictures, and I was able to greet most of the people who came. It was such a blessing to me to get their hugs and hear their words of encouragement....by the end of the evening, Brittney said I walked like I was floating on air. I don't know about that, but I definitely was very high!

As the evening wound to a close, Brittney and I left. We got mocha shakes at Cruisen Coffee (as if we needed sugar and caffeine!) and then went down to Bellwether and talked until I had to have her back to Carol. We talked about everything, and went from hysterical craziness to serious dreaming and back again.

Then when I got home, my mom came down to my room and we talked. She couldn't sleep, and neither could I, so we had one of those heart to hearts that come all too rarely, but are so awesome when they do happen.

And that was only the beginning of my weekend!

Friday:

School
Girls Bible Study
District track meet
Starbucks
Babysitting and watching a chick flick with Rachel
Serious conversation with Caleb
More girl talk with Rachel

Saturday

Up early, another Starbucks trip
Off to Seattle for Kimi's birthday
Yummy lunch near Pike Place
Shopping
Makeovers
Rachel and I walking down to the pier when we ran out of money
Gorgeous sunny weather
Sleepy drive back home

Sunday

Church
Lindsay's grad party
Field trip, driving all around Whatcom County with Mom, Lyddy and Caleb B.
IGA chicken on the bank of the Nooksack
Visiting family
Watching the end of The Two Towers with my family

Monday

Sleeping in!
Big, leisurely breakfast with the whole family around the table
Making quesedillas for my siblings for lunch (after a long shower and cleaning my room)
Trip to Family Christian Bookstores and the mall with Audrey and Marcie
Off to the lake, Lyddy and Marcie being insane and SWIMMING!!
Party at Eschbach's, doing homework, watching volleyball and visiting
Back home, dancing in the car and Caleb dancing in the driveway

It was crazy good fun!

:-)

2005-05-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

Your SAT Score of 1500 Means:

You Scored Higher Than Howard Stern
You Scored Higher Than George W. Bush
You Scored Higher Than Al Gore
You Scored Higher Than David Duchovny
You Scored Higher Than Natalie Portman
You Scored Lower Than Bill Gates

Your IQ is most likely in the 140-150 range

Equivalent ACT score: 33

Schools that Fit Your SAT Score:
California Institute of Technology
Stanford University
Princeton University
Yale University
Harvard University

What Does Your SAT Score Mean?

2005-05-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm having troubles...just trying to see if I can get my blog to come up...

If You Read This

2005-05-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

if you read this,
even if i don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
it can be anything, good or bad,
just so long as it happened,
then post this to your journal and see what people remember about you

A Confusing Education

2005-05-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that I am a Christian. If I didn't have the firm foundation from my parents and church, I am positive that I would be so messed up right now. Ideas of all sorts come at me from every direction in my classes that I would be lost and confused if I didn't have that things I know to be true to compare these ideas too.

The main reason this is on my mind is because I've been thinking about all the classes I have ever taken at this college. The ideas that each espouses as true are so contradictory, yet I know people that are alternately sucked in by one or the other. Take, for example, two classes I am taking right now: Social Problems and History of Environmental Ethics (simply because I needed another Honors class). Social Problems is, of course, humanistic at the very core and believes that humans are what really matters in this world, while I sometimes get the feeling in my "environmentalist" class that we humans should really just commit mass suicide so the world wouldn't be as messed up as it is.

I realized this the other day, and had to just laugh. If someone who had no idea what they believed was taking these two classes, what conclusion would they come to? Would they even care or would the confusion just cause them to block the ideas and just strive for a good grade? I really hope to get more than a good GPA out of my college career; I hope that it will teach me about the world and I will have a better understanding of my part and responsibility in it. And, surprisingly, Whatcom has actually helped with this. It's gotten me to think about things that I never considered as a homeschooled student. And some of you might be surprised at the conclusions I've come too...there are a couple essays that you might raise some eyebrows at, but they are what I believe, and my closest and most trusted counselors agree with me. Maybe someday I'll share my feminism essay, but that day is not yet. It's still a theory. A theory based on much prayer, Bible reading, counsel, and thinking, but it's still a theory. I have yet to see how well it works...I'll let you know!

Not in My Strength

2005-05-19T21:19:00.000-07:00

Now I'm terrified.

I've been so looking forward to going to CYIA as a fourth year student. Everything is so familiar and I know all the ins and outs of how things work. I know so many people, all the supervisors and higher-ups support me, and I just really enjoy it even though it's a packed week.

But now that's all changed. I've agreed to be a supervisor. When Natalie asked me, I immediately knew it was something I needed to do because of my internal upheaval. I instantly didn't want to do it, and the only reason was because I thought I couldn't. But I know from past experience at CYIA that His grace is sufficient for me...His power is made perfect in my weakness. After thinking it over, I decided that I should do it just because of my misgivings. I decided not to let my pride get in the way. My pride would only have me do the comfortable things, the things I know I can do. But when I get outside of my comfort zone, that is when God shows Himself magnificently faithful.

So I do have to go to pretraining to learn something new now. I have to learn to be a supervisor. Oh, wow, how I tremble at the thought. But He is faithful and will complete what He has begun in me. Pray that I will always rely on Him and that I will be an awesome supervisor!

Senior Prom

2005-05-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you combine some of my favorite things (friends, pretty clothes, roses, good food, music, dancing, movies, and virgin margaritas) into one long, fun-filled night? Senior Prom!

I had so much fun last year at junior prom that I wanted to go again this year, but as the day got nearer, I began having doubts. It looked like my friends were all going to have dates, I didn't want to be the fifth or seventh wheel or whatever it would have been, and I couldn't find a dress for any price, let alone cheap. But God just made things fall into place so beautifully. It turned out that I had another single girlfriend from WCC going who I could split the price of a couple's ticket with, and I finally found a dress the Monday before prom. I got it at Colima Design, a little dress shop in downtown Ferndale, and she told me if I ever needed another, she could make any dress in any size if I just brought her a picture. And her prices are really reasonable!

The day of prom I went to the Walk for Life and then Lydia and I went Mother's Day shopping, so I was already wiped out by 2:00. I read and tried to nap, and then got my stuff together and drove out to the Sebens. Karin did my hair absolutely beautifully and then put miniature roses that my mom bought me in it. I did my makeup and got dressed there so they could see "the finished product" and then I went to our rendezvous point at Lindsay's.

We took a couple pictures there and then went to Coconut Kenny's for appetizers. Rachel and I went in my car and we had a good time listening to country music and smiling at all the people who stared at us. We got cheese balls and a miniature pizza for appetizers and then went to my house for dinner.

My mom had prepared a wonderful four course dinner for us...everyone was completely amazed. The first course was striped jello (compliments of Mrs. Breakey--that's some GOOD stuff!), the second was a beautiful salad, artisan bread, and butter molded to look like shells, and the third was a choice of Sour Cream Spaghetti or Seafood Lasagne with a side of green beans. By the time dessert came out, we were all too full to hold another bite, so she took it over to Lindsay's where we could have it after the dance. I seriously haven't been hungry ever since though! We had such a good time at dinner, and we ended up being late to the dance because we lingered so long over it.

Daddy let me drive his 2002 Dodge Ram 2500 Cummings Diesel to prom, which made me very happy and Marcie and Danae a little scared! But we had no mishaps and I parked it successfully. When we got there (about 1/2 hour late), no one was dancing, but we soon fixed that. The time seemed to just fly. I was considering about asking what time it was, thinking it was around 11, when the DJ announced that it was the last song. Midnight, you know...time for Cinderella to leave the ball (I tried to leave a shoe behind, but my feet hurt too much). My biggest complaint about prom was the music. The DJ didn't really play the best songs for dancing to because many were in that between-slow-and-fast range where you're not exactly sure what to do. But we just made it up off the tops of our heads and had lots of fun and laughs doing it. :-) My little brother was there taking coats and purses, and he didn't have the highest opinion of the way I was dancing, but not everyone can have the gangsta' moves of Caleb Hazel, now can they? I'm content with my sad lack of "hipness."

Afterward we went briefly to Denny's to continue a tradition started at Junior Prom, and then we went to Lindsay's. We piled about 11 of us into her hot tub, which responded by doing its best imitation of Niagara Falls. We sat in there and talked until I turned into a giant prune, and Lindsay, Chrey and Rachel made us virgin margaritas...which were so good!

Then we went inside and talked some more and a few people left. We decided to watch Phantom of the Opera after awhile, starting with "That's All I Ask of You" and then going back to the beginning. I only watched until "Angel of Music" because I was realizing that I had church in the morning and it was getting terribly late. Reluctantly I left, but I will finish the movie sometime soon!

It was a whirlwind night, and a beautiful memory of senior prom. I'm glad I will have no regrets when I think of what others have experienced during their senior proms. Mine has no unhappy memories...just the way it should be!

My Pink Blanket

2005-05-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

For me, happiness and comfort is sometimes synonymous with my pink blanket.

Last night, Brittney and I were huddled under it for warmth while attempting to walk to Carol's car. We have this problem with walking in sync, and with distinguishing right from left, so this walk was quite an adventure. (An actual Brittney quote: "No, your FAR left!") As we stumbled madly around, a friend who we were walking with warned us that the blanket was dragging on the ground and in serious danger of getting dirty. But I replied to him, "This blanket has been through so much...it really doesn't care anymore." He simply gave me one of those "you're insane" looks and continued on, but eventually commented again that he felt sorry for the blanket.

But I think there's really no reason for him to be sorry for the blanket. My pink blanket is one of my most prized possessions, but it didn't become that way because it was protected from the dirt of Bender Fields. The reason I love that blanket is because I look at it and see all the memories contained in it.

It used to be Audrey's or Lydia's blanket on their bed, but when they got a new comforter, I took possession of it for extra warmth on winter nights. Since then, it has been used for so many purposes and become something which contains many of my best memories. I'll list a few here.

Tanning and reading with my sisters
Playing various insane games on the trampoline
Trying to fly
Many, many picnics
Stargazing
Every church campout
Football games, cheering on the Trojans
Watching "The Best of Will Ferrell" on my cousins' dock
Softball games
Curled up reading on the couch
Playing Speed in the trailer with Brittney
Napping in the sun at the "VanLiew Campout"
Sleepovers...getting scared out of our wits by imagining noises outside the trailer
Sitting on the Tennant Lake boardwalk with Brittney, talking, reading our Bibles and dreaming
Singing and talking around campfires
Long roadtrips and late-night rides in the car
Revive girls' Bible study sitting on it
Sitting in the WCC courtyard with my friends
Of course, trying to walk huddled underneath

I love how my blanket smells after it's been washed...I dry it in the sun and it smells like a mixture of detergent, fresh air, and sunlight. When I curl up in it, I think of all the fun memories I've made with it, the serious discussions and moments of wild laughter it has seen. I am reminded again of God's grace to me in giving me such wonderful friends and family.

2005-05-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

I love how mornings smell.

My Siblings

2005-04-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

"The Family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." Emma Bombeck
I've always said that I wanted to have a lot of kids. People always say to me, "Wow, 5 kids," but for me, it's never been anything to be amazed about. Five seems like a natural number and I can't remember or imagine life as an only child. I have been so blessed to have my four crazy siblings. As I think about leaving in such a short amount of time, I am reminded again of how much these people are seared into my heart, and how I can't imagine life without their presence.

Caleb and I have had a love/hate relationship. Out of all my siblings, he's probably the one I've fought with the most, but this has only served to strengthen our understanding of each other. We've come to the point in our relationship where we no longer have pitched battles in the halls, but instead we go to each other for advice, conversation, and the occasional ride somewhere fun. Because of Caleb, my knowledge of boy's fashion is much more extensive than my knowledge of girl's fashion, and trips to the mall feel weird without going to the Hollister and American Eagle guy's departments. He's fiercely protective of his sisters and checks up on me to make sure I'm keeping my act clean. Even though he's not demonstrative with his love, you can see it through little glimpses of his care for us. He thrives in large social groups, and family conversations are so much duller without Caleb's ready wit and extrovertism.

Audrey is my personal fashion police and chief confidante. She's always ready to tell me if an outfit matches and looks good if I'm willing to ask. (Sometimes she even volunteers the information.) I'm sure that, without her, I will look like quite a mess some days. Many of you reading this post have no idea what I'm talking about because most of my outfits are "Audrey-approved" before I leave the house, but I've come up with some things that have sent her into spasms of horror. :-) Audrey and I have gone on many excursions together, and the best part of these trips is always the time we spend talking in the car. When someone is so close to you that you only have to say one word and they immediately know what you mean, that is a gift from God. She can see right through me every time I pretend things are going differently than they are, and she's always willing to offer a listening ear and a helping hand. We also laugh...a lot! I would say that is one hallmark of all my relationships with my siblings. Laughter is the mortar of our friendships.

Lydia was my baby when we were growing up. Although she's only 4 1/2 years younger than me, it seems I was always packing her around and "mommying" her. It's strange for me now to be able to interact with her on the same level, but it's been an incredible blessing as well. She is such a busy bee...last Saturday Mom and Dad went out for breakfast and left us with instructions to get food for ourselves (translation: cereal). But when I got out of bed, Lydia had made Swedish Pancakes, which are like crepes, for all of us. This is no easy undertaking, but she gamely slaved over a hot stove to make us a delicious breakfast without being asked. She bought a trampoline last summer and is constantly begging us to play on it with her, and she loves to take walks with me and Otis or whoever will join us. She is becoming an amazing babysitter because she has just as much fun playing as the kids do, and she knows how to have fun no matter what we're doing.

Jacob...wow...what do I say about him? He has no inhibitions and simply does whatever he feels is right without caring about peer pressure. He is constantly drawing or writing something new from one of his many imaginary kingdoms of Beanie Babies or superheroes or people. If you've never seen one of his creations, you should ask him sometime. They are so intricately detailed, and the creativity is astounding. I'm sure he must be some kind of genius, I just haven't figured out which kind yet. He is more demonstrative with his love than Caleb; I can hardly be sitting down somewhere at home without him coming up and putting his chin on my shoulder, just wanting to be a part of what I'm doing. One of the greatest things about him is that I'll think I finally have him pegged and then he'll do something completely out of character and mystify me further. He has the habit of asking me random thought-provoking questions and not leaving me alone until I answer them. And of course, he's incredibly funny!

I wouldn't trade one of these people for the world...their many peculiarities and strengths are just what have made me who I am today, and I know that they will continue to sharpen me.

Ever Heard of Jilmil Hazjak?

2005-04-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

Jillian Rose Hazel's Aliases

Your movie star name: Chips Percy

Your fashion designer name is Jillian Paris

Your socialite name is Smurfee Bellingham

Your fly girl / guy name is J Haz

Your detective name is Cat Meridian

Your barfly name is Orange Margarita

Your soap opera name is Rose Boyer

Your rock star name is Chocolate Cheetah

Your star wars name is Jilmil Hazjak

Your punk rock band name is The Happy Nose

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/meganames/">The Amazing Meganame Generator

Beautiful. I now demand that each of you call me by one of these names at some time and see if I notice. :-)

Sadly, that's the end of the weird quizzes for the day. I hope y'all had as much fun as I did!

Do I Talk Like a Yankee? Horrors!

2005-04-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

More than you ever wanted to know about me, I'm sure. Today is the day of random blog quizzes in order to relax. I think I'll even do another, just to amuse y'all. (Have to get the 5% dixie in there!)

Um...I was hoping for 18, but...

2005-04-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

You Are 12 Years Old

12

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Yeah, that's me. So mature. Aren't you proud?

My Weekend...(read if you want a nap)

2005-04-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

I should write...but I'm not sure what to write about.

I guess I'll just give you the boring update on my weekend because I'm not inspired to write about Mexico. I need to look at the pictures to get fired up again. :-)

Let's see...Friday night I went to a friend's senior piano recital. I'm glad I won't have to go through that torture! Although I do have an opportunity to play in public if I brush up one of my pieces. I can't decide if I want to do it or not. You have to audition, but it's not really that big of a deal to audition for it. I just don't want the extra stress, and I don't like the feeling that it might be showing off. We'll have to further examine my motives before I decide this question.

After the recital we rented three movies. Each of us girls got to pick one out. I only watched two of the three and I wasn't super impressed by either, so I'll spare you the review.

Saturday I spent five and a half hours at Starbucks studying for my geology and sociology tests I have to take today. I already took the geology one and didn't feel like it went very well. I guessed on more questions than I really feel comfortable guessing on. We'll see how the grade comes out. I hear Mr. McKeever grades on a curve.

Sunday I went up to Concrete for my uncle's birthday and then came home and didn't do much of anything for the evening. It was a good feeling! Audrey and Lydia and I spread blankets out in the sun and read and talked and played on the trampoline. I haven't been able to take as much time as I would like to just "hang" with them, and it was really good to do that.

I guess the most exciting thing I did was dinner at the Breakey's on Thursday, but you can read about that on Chris's blog. It was a tragic loss in poker and I was awful at Frisbee, but I had a good time.

So...I hope y'all had fun last weekend and, if you can, are planning on enjoying a beautiful evening at Bender Fields! See ya there!

Monday, Monday

2005-04-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

OK people, so we're taking a brief break from Mexico because I don't have time for a long and informative post. I've officially decided that Monday mornings are NOT cool. In the words of Garfield, "I hate Mondays!" Actually, I don't truly hate them because Mondays are also softball games, which are superly fun and cool. But Mondays at school are miserable. I have this problem with doing homework on the weekends, and this weekend was no exception. Sleepovers, roadtrip, shopping excursions, movies, multiple trips to Starbucks, games, a track meet, cooking, going to restaurants....it was crazy insane. I had so much fun, but I only barely got the homework done that was due today and now I have large amounts to complete before tomorrow. *Sigh*

So....there's only something like nine weeks left of spring quarter. This is so hard to believe. I graduate in 60 days! I think I'm in shock because this just really hasn't sunk in yet. Then off to CYIA, then a summer packed with work and hopefully many last fun things with my friends, and then a roadtrip to Southern California where I move in at Master's on August 21! Wow...